On any given day, the memory of my boys in Haiti interrupts what I am doing at least 100 times. I picture Dimitry in his school uniform, smiling from his first grade classroom at us. I remember Alby's laugh as Eric and he played with machines on the guest house floor and sat at the dinner table together. I remember telling my sweet son how much we miss him and love him and always remember him in our prayers.
The silence from our attorney is deafening.
Does that mean he is working on our file and collecting the information needed to finally move our dossier into IBESR? Or has he hit a brick wall, and the lack of communication is delaying a negative message, telling us that our time and money are not enough to make this happen for Dimitry and / or Alby?
I can't help it.
I really do try not to dwell on it . . . but it's there, with little horns and a pitchfork, sitting on my shoulder.
I've stopped going up to their room, except to deliver a bag of clothes generously donated to them and their friends for our next trip.
I can't decorate it, because I can't let my heart go there right now.
A friend at work gave me the perfect analogy this week:
Ever wanted a baby so badly, but time passed without that double line on the pregnancy test? But, everyone around you (so it seemed) easily became pregnant from drinking the water? Baby showers and gifts for other couples were necessary purchases, but literally pained you to buy? The entire world seems fertile and focused on all things baby when you want one yourself, but are unable to cross the finish line. That's how I feel sometimes . . . like I may never bring my babies home, despite the sacrifices, the stress and the prayers.
Several times each week, I feel like I just want to pack up, move my family to Jacmel and be close until it's all finalized and we can come home together, forever.
I could assist the local CRNA with providing anesthesia coverage for the area. Eric could help the Sisters with needed maintenance in Fondwa and perhaps teach the secondary students there. My heart is already there, so why not the rest of me?
I am a realist, though. There are health concerns and safety issues, especially for my munchkins here.
So . . . we remodel our kitchen. Focus on other tangible things that will ultimately benefit our family. I sort clothing, toys, stuff to minimize the amount of "things" around us. I read to my children and try to teach them about global concerns such as poverty and hunger and the immense number of orphans in our world while explaining that our loving God is also the Creator in those worlds of suffering. He does not want His children to bleed and starve and be without . . . He is their God too.
I want to do more. I want to show them that we can do more.
Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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