Now in Hospice Care

I had the blessed experience of visiting with the sisters on Saturday.
Sister was moved to the Kansas City Hospice House.
It was good to see Sister Claudette and Sister Simone more relaxed together.
Sister Carmelle ate ice cream and wanted more :)

(Thank you handsome man I call my spouse for taking Sister Claudette to Hen House)

She seems more at peace.
She is having pain, but the care team is providing her medication through a PCA.
Her room is spacious and comfortable and a major improvement from anything a hospital can provide.

I am sad to say goodbye to my friend Sr. Claudette as she returns to Fondwa this week, but am extremely blessed by the time I've had with her. Not only am I confident that our adoptions will be supported throughout completion by these wonderful ladies, but I know that the love and friendship I feel for Sister Claudette is mutual.

Thank you for your prayers and your ongoing support.
I'm not sure what the week will hold, or how much longer our friend will suffer, but she is in good hands and she is surely loved.

Wednesday

Just in case you were wondering (yeah, right), I seem to be out of hot water and we are all on the same team again. Whew.
And, we made it to Wednesday.
In a bit, Father Joseph and Sister Simone should be arriving at Sister's bedside from their travels today.
I noticed the IV fluids were off again.
Sister is comfortable and even singing today.
There have been prayers sent up from the corners of our nation and beyond for this funny, lovable lady. Now, I pray for her Sisters and the community who will certainly feel her loss.

I am thankful for the move to a larger room, at the end of the hall where traffic and noise are less.
I am thankful for the lack of isolation garb required now.
Her room is full of sunshine.
There are photos on the walls and gorgeous flowers finally.
Tonight, she was peaceful and seemed relaxed.

Thank you for your prayers.

A good scolding

Well, last night I was scolded by a nun . . . but not the one that mattered.
Call me defiant. Call me a deviant. Say I'm a rebel or disobedient.

I Don't Care

Sister is much more alert. She is visiting with people who are traveling from all over the United States to wish her well, thank her for the presence she has had in lives and tell her how much she is loved.

She is holding tightly to her PCA delivery button (more power to her), but she's having conversations without being too short of breath to speak. She isn't falling asleep mid-thought. She's moving more in bed.

Is she rallying??

Could it be an answer to prayers? 

Please God, get her to Wednesday when Father Joseph and Sister Simone come from Haiti

Did I speak to the nurses about restarting IV fluids? Why yes, Sister, I did. Frankly, I'm not sure why you are bothered by that. Did anyone bother to ask her what she wanted? 

Is our patient more comfortable, more alert, more everything with a bit of hydration and some electrolytes circulating through her disease ravaged body? Why, yes, yes she is. 

Do I answer to you? No, I do not.

Along the lines of a good scolding . . .

our patient is giving those out too.

Do not cry. Do not be sad.

Even now, she reaches out to us.

Thank you for your prayers on Sister Carmelle's behalf.

(Perhaps I need a few too since I seem to be getting myself deeper into hot water with the local nuns.)

Fly Away Home?

When you pray to a loving Father, sometimes miracles occur! And sometimes, He answers prayers not in the way we expect, but by bringing other loving  people into our circle.

There is a definite clash of cultures occurring: the United States' health and belief system, the Haitian culture and expectation for care, and the Catholic order of nuns whose beliefs and expectations do not always meld with either of the other two cultures.

I have been praying hard. I have asked for your prayers. I do not ask for healing or a cure, but for peace and the possibility that a Sister's final wish might be granted.

I have said many, many times "we know GOOD people." I have been blessed with the generosity, support, and friendship of men and women who understand my passion for orphans and the good works trying to be accomplished in an extremely poor Caribbean country.

Now, we strive to take a Sister home. Her Jesus calls her and she is almost ready.
Please continue to pray that His will be done in His time.
May our efforts be enough and pleasing to Him.

Where She Belongs

It is absolutely amazing how many lives one group of people can touch.
A small order of Catholic nuns in Fondwa, Haiti who have a clinic and an orphanage, have touched lives of health care professionals, teachers, photographers, Christians, and all others who have met them.

Over the past week, visitors from North Carolina, Indiana and California have called to check on Sister.

It's been quite a week.

This morning, our group gathered for a care conference in the ICU.

The diagnosis is primary hepatoblastoma which has spread along the vena cava, now residing also in the septum and right atrium of Sister's heart. Liver cancer is known to be very aggressive, and by the time one suffers from symptoms, the disease has typically progressed fairly far.

She began feeling very poorly in November.
Who knows when she first felt ill.

Phone calls were made today. Social work was present. The physicians spoke bluntly and were realistic in the prognosis and inability to heal her with surgical intervention. Chemotherapy and radiation have not been successful with advanced illness such as hers. The likelihood of any treatment prolonging her life is poor. The concern is not to prolong or increase her suffering.

She was alert today and understands the diagnosis.

A durable power of health care attorney was signed.

Tears were shed. There was a lot of hugging.

Plane tickets are being purchased and a community very far from Kansas is grieving. 

I'm afraid she will never again see the beauty of her homeland in this life.

When I kissed my Sister friend, the woman who took in my sons and truly gave them a life, who has started us on the road to being a forever family, she squeezed my hand and asked "then, I don't have long?" I confirmed what the oncologist, the cardiologist and the pulmonologist agree on. I told her that her body is fighting hard (her temp was back up to 102 today, she was tachypneic, but maintaining her oxygen concentration), but soon it will be time for her to rest. "What a celebration Jesus must have planned for His daughter's homecoming!"
I didn't quite get it out before I got choked up. 

What a blessing to know this woman and know what she has done for her community of Sisters and for the children of Fondwa and Thom Gateau. When my sons' memories of their homeland begin to fade, I will have beautiful memories to share with them of a Sister so loving and giving that helped us to become a family.

There are still tough days ahead. Many more tears will fall. Prayers will be sent to the Great Physician, who knows the plan that only He understands. In our selfishness, we grieve . . . but, for one so faithful as she, I hope that her journey home is swift. I hope the mountains of Fondwa and the beaches of Jacmel are always visible to her from Heaven's window.

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

- Where I Belong, Building 429



Sister

Feeling at a loss for words . . . so I log into my blog. Contradictory, I'm aware, but I'm looking for familiarity and comfort, I suppose.

My first contact with Dimitry and Alby and Fondwa, Haiti was Sister Marie Carmelle Voltaire. We met her in Leavenworth, Kansas where she was staying with the Sisters of Charity. She is bigger than life, and "everyone loves (her)."

She runs the clinic where Heart to Heart International visits every Friday. She, along with Sisters Simone, Claudette and Malecia have cared for so many in the orphanage and the guest house in Port-au-Prince. She was a founder of the Fatima Orphanage in Fondwa and worked diligently to have a house built in Thom Gateau for the novices and nuns. She has given much.

Tonight, she was moved to the intensive care unit with severe pneumonia, a positive tuberculosis test (not surprising considering the living conditions and environment of Haiti), and a new diagnosis of liver cancer. She is requiring a lot of oxygen and remains short of breath. She is in much pain and has been started on a PCA, but I don't know if it is enough or even what she is getting. Her prognosis is poor. She is scheduled for a PET scan to assess for metastasis, and a physician has mentioned transfer to KUMC if her diagnosis is operable. If it is not, she will be offered palliative care . . . and will have to decide between staying here and returning to her homeland.

It is beautiful in Fondwa. The mountains and the trees are gorgeous, with steep valleys and ravines that hold the morning fog before the sun burns it away. In Fondwa, the roosters never sleep, and Sister Carmelle loves to hear them "sing." The mornings are cool, and at night, God shows the Sisters each and every one of His stars.

I know my friend is faithful and is certain of her next home after this one on earth, but still, she is scared. The treatment is unknown, and despite being bilingual, a language barrier remains. She is suffering and the prognosis of more pain is frightening. Who will do her work? Who will carry on in her stead? Who will love on everyone and be the mama hen?

Who will we go to for answers? When we ask about information on the boys' backgrounds, we always hear "Sister Carmelle will know." She has contacts, memories, friends and resources.

Lord, how can we best care for her?

What a Face!

It's amazing what you can find on Google. Take "Fondwa Orphanage," for example . . .

• there are many photos of the destroyed Fatima House orphanage post-earthquake, January 2011
• articles about Jamalyn Williamson and the work of Family Health Ministries in Fondwa
• information about the Heart to Heart Clinic in Fondwa
• a blog about the Edmunds' family's adoptions (hee hee)
• information about Gotcha Gift Registry for adoptive families (linked to the Edmunds' family)
• interviews with Father Joseph Phillipe and Sister Marie Carmelle
• beautiful faces of little friends who live at the orphanage in Fondwa

After I recognized several faces from a collection of photos by Mr. Michael B. Moore, I decided to send him an email asking if he had any other pictures from the orphanage in Fondwa. This is what he sent me: my boy!

What a blessing and what a very small world we live in. (I can't seem to enlarge it here without it getting very blurry - must be how I saved it).

It seem like some families have unlimited resources to adopt and manage to move their time lines right along, but I know that a lot of those factors have to do with country of adoption, agency efficiency, and access to grants / funds / etc. It is difficult to stay positive and think of the end outcome rather than focus on the boys' current living conditions. I want to believe that we will have our boys soon . . . which is such a relative term. I want to feel joy for families who are bringing their babies home! It's hard not to be sad though.

Today was a snow day. Eric and the kids played and got out the sled and Grant's snowboard that Santa Clause brought him. And when I got home from work, I put on some layers, and we all went out again! I can't wait to show Alby and Dimitry snow :) I can't wait to hold them and love them. They don't know about bath tubs and Toy Story and Nerf guns. They haven't experienced footie jammies or pancakes or hot chocolate with marshmallows. I can't wait to be their mommy!

Holding onto the faith,

Praying

Sometimes the biggest blessings are very small.

Today, Eric and I had the pleasure of visiting our dear friend Sister Carmelle. Unfortunately, we are able to visit her because she was flown to Kansas several days ago due to failing health.

The Sisters of Saint Antoine have a "sisterhood" with Sisters of Charity in Leavenworth, and they frequently host each other's members. Sister Carmelle has been experiencing fevers, coughing fits and pain since November 2011. When we were in Haiti over Thanksgiving, I was surprised by the amount of weight Sister had lost. In December, she was admitted to a hospital in Port-au-Prince, and has been in and out of the facility ever since. On Wednesday, Sister Claudette accompanied Sister Carmelle here, where she was admitted with fever and pain.

She has a large tumor on her liver. She is short of breath on 5 liters of oxygen. She is not eating and yesterday a PICC line was placed for TPN (total parenteral nutrition) that will start today. While we were there, a physician came in and told us she would be having a thoracentesis today to extract fluid from the pleural space surrounding her lung. We went with her to ultrasound, where the radiologist planned to perform the procedure, but her INR was 1.9 (associated with the thickness of her blood). Upon further evaluation, he determined the procedure was not necessary, as the amount of fluid present did not call for it. Thank you God! Thoracentesis is painful, carries a certain amount of risk, and may or may not improve her comfort. We are anticipating results of the liver biopsy tomorrow . . .

Sometimes God's plan is not our own. Sometimes we can't fathom why some of His most faithful servants must experience pain and suffering. Why must those who do so much of His work on this earth leave their homes and be challenged by illness and disability?

We are blessed to know of Sister Carmelle's good works and those of her faithful Sisters, Claudette, Simone and Malecia. Our lives are enriched for knowing these women, for experiencing their rich love and generosity, and for being invited into their home where our children waited for us.

Dear Lord, only You know what the plan is for your daughter. As the Healer of all, you know what ails her and what lies ahead. Thank you for sharing her with us. Please help us to offer her comfort, support her decisions for treatment, and love her while we have her. We know that You hold her in Your hands, and we thank you for Your grace and mercy.

Coming Clean

Alright, I have some confessions to make. 

• I do not weigh what my driver's license says I do.
• I prefer yoga pants to jeans . . . except my ripped up pair with the big pockets (even if I look HUGE to you, they make me feel a bit thinner).
• I drink coffee at bedtime. (It's all warm and yummy.)
• I really enjoyed myself last weekend when my husband and I went out of town with another couple. I did not even call the kids once. (I missed them, but I didn't call them and let them know that I was doing anything but spending time with their daddy.)
• I avoid inviting people to my house because I'm insecure about my housekeeping. I prefer to say that I intentionally have dust in my house to help build my children's immunity.
• I still have my girlfriend's birthday (November) and Christmas gifts on my office desk! I don't know why!! Am I so lazy that I can't throw some wrapping paper on them and drive to the UPS Store?! It's like when you screw up, it gets more difficult to apologize the further from the time you should've said you were sorry in the first place. I suck. Badly :(
• I secretly wish I had my high school summer tan (and body) back. Ah, the days of lifeguarding: bleach blonde hair, baby oil with a touch of iodine . . . to be the size I was when I thought I was fat!
• I am LAZY about working out. Getting started is my real problem this time. (Perhaps a shock collar would help?)
• I'm not 100% sure what my natural hair color is anymore.
• I knew much more of the Scriptures at age 10 than I do now. (sad)
• I secretly wish I could afford to work part-time so I could spend more time cooking, organizing, and participating in my children's school functions ("No, mommy's working so I'm sorry I can't come to your party / PTA program at 3:30pm / field trip." LOSER)
• I think I may be trying to do too much of this adoption stuff on my own. Sometimes I forget to include God in the paperwork, politics and payment of it all. I always ask Him to bless the nuns and the orphans and my boys, but frequently I fret over the details and forget that He has control over all things.
• I love reading blogs and seeing photos of forever families . . . but I'm really scared my boys won't come home this year.

I'm searching my soul to be more faithful.
I've purchased Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore and Praying Through Your Adoption by Michele Cervone Scott. I'm currently reading Mary Beth Chapman's Choosing to See.
I'm reminding myself that it is He that led me here; now I need to trust Him to guide us through the process to bring these children home.

"A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance wht will only make sense in reverse." - Philip Yancey

"Somewhere there's a child that I have plans for to know my love and grace and take his or her place . . . Will you trust me with the details that you've been worried about and walk in faith where I'm leading you and your family?" - Choosing to See

Oh My!

I was super surprised to open my email today and find a photo of my son!

A dear friend, who happens to be an ENT, has a nurse in her clinic who volunteered with Heart to Heart International at the clinic in Fondwa, Haiti in 2010. She met some wonderful little friends of ours and took many photos which she shared with our mutual friend . . .

And this one made my day :)

That's my son (on the left) with his friend Michele.

Aren't they handsome?!

(hee hee)

Thank you Adriane, from the bottom of my heart.