April 30, 2012 News . . . At last

Happy Birthday to me

As we age, I believe it is important to continually learn new information, tasks and lessons.

Today's lesson: do not email your attorney, even if you haven't heard from him in months, the night before your birthday unless you are prepared to have your heart broken the next day.

Near the end of my third tonsillectomy this morning, I received an email from my adoption attorney in Haiti. Due to the existence of a living parent at the time of physical relinquishment to the orphanage, but lack of knowledge regarding their whereabouts or paperwork to prove relinquishment, it is with "certain impossibility that the adoptions can be completed."

If you have read previous entries in this blog, you know that my greatest fear in losing Sister Carmelle is that we would lose the possibility of making the connection to D & A's living parent and obtain official (hard copy) relinquishment.

Now, it seems reasonable that a child left at an orphanage five years ago, with no further contact with a living relative since then, might be declared officially abandoned and / or orphaned, particularly considering the massive natural disaster that occurred in the country in 2010. One might also assume that in a country of starvation and immense poverty, a system might be in place to match orphaned children (whether situational or actual) with families able and willing to care for and love them. But that's logic for you . . . not politics.

I was amazed that birth certificates existed. I'm not sure how death certificates are handled, considering the general lack of access to health care. Perhaps, in orphanages where agencies handle adoptions and paperwork shuffling, relinquishment paperwork exists. Not so much in Fondwa.

I sobbed at work . . . a couple of times. My friends brought me chocolate birthday cake :) Man, I know good people.

For 15 months, Dimitry and Alby have been in our hearts as our children. In November, the boys called us Mama and Papa and were happy to have family. What now?

I decided to message the attorney again. I asked if there is a way to advertise for the parents to contact him, and without contact, is it possible to declare the boys officially abandoned? This is where I ask "will more money help?"

Alby is loved and very well cared for. Despite his sickle cell disease, or perhaps because of it, he is well fed, lives with electricity and medication and 7-UP. He is loved and doted upon.

Dimitry is in an orphanage, where nothing is his own. He eats when there is food. I cannot stomach the thought of him growing up like that.

There are an estimated 139 - 147 million orphans in this world. Yes. That is right - that many. Could we still provide a home to a child who needs love and nourishment of his / her body and soul? Yes. But how can I leave my son without a mama and a papa? I can't won't take that away from him. Not without a major fight and being sure that I've done absolutely everything that I can do and can think to have done.

We are supposed to travel again in less than 30 days. My brain is foggy with what to do. I am overwhelmed with emotion. Why would God bring us this far for it to end like this? I don't accept that. There have been too many "God moments" for any of our journey to be coincidental. It's already been a walk of faith and a journey that has included great loss. I have to believe that this story - Dimitry and Alby's stories - have a happy ending.

Please pray for my boys. Pray that they get a forever family . . . even if it doesn't include me.

Seasons

Yesterday was kindergarten enrollment day . . . for my Baby.
No, I didn't cry or get all mushy or anything. In fact, I'm a bit anxious to have the children together rather than spread out across town, to be honest.
She was a touch disappointed when I explained that we were signing her up for school, not starting school. We did get to meet a couple of the teachers and see the colorful and cool K-5 classrooms.

I also made an appointment for her to see an ophthalmologist friend of mine in a few weeks. For the past few months, when sissy is fatigued and it's late in the day, her left eye tends to wander inward occasionally. Just in time for kindergarten. My MD friend says she is likely far-sighted, to which I replied "um, okay," because my brain didn't immediately get the correlation, and then I thought "ooh, her brother is going to be so mad if she has to wear glasses . . . oh, my poor baby girl may have to wear glasses." Her brother is in the wouldn't it be cool to have a cast / wear glasses / need crutches stage. You remember, right? Like when we used to bend paperclips into fake retainers and put our gum at the roof of our mouths to create that dental fixture lisp. stupid I suppose it shouldn't surprise me, considering her daddy's vision, but the possibility likelihood of it stinks.

Anyway . . .
Another year has passed in the life of my little family. Kids are growing and flying past milestones. School years start and end, much to my husband's relief (he's a high school social studies teacher.) It seems like just a few years have passed since I was in Virginia in graduate school, living a honeymoon life with Eric by the beach. Then baby Grant came and life was so good to us in Joplin. Where did the years go?! Amazing how it flies. And now my 20 year high school reunion is upon me - eek! Funny to read about classmates who have their own seniors graduating and going off to college, while others are just marrying for the first time and starting or adding to their families. The seasons continue to change.

I'm coming up on a milestone of my own next week: another year older. My wish this year will be the same as my prayer each night . . .

Next year, I hope my house is twice as noisy and chaotic with two more mouths to feed and two more boys to snuggle on. I hope vacation time is spent as a family unit, rather than children with grandparents and parents in a third world country. I hope each challenge and milestone occurs on U.S. soil under one surname. I hope we continue to be blessed with good health, loving support, and awesome friendships!

(P.S. All these photos are stolen acquired from Pinterest, as usual)

Avoidance

Do you ever find yourself avoiding the issue that stresses you out the most?

On any given day, the memory of my boys in Haiti interrupts what I am doing at least 100 times. I picture Dimitry in his school uniform, smiling from his first grade classroom at us. I remember Alby's laugh as Eric and he played with machines on the guest house floor and sat at the dinner table together. I remember telling my sweet son how much we miss him and love him and always remember him in our prayers.

The silence from our attorney is deafening.
Does that mean he is working on our file and collecting the information needed to finally move our dossier into IBESR? Or has he hit a brick wall, and the lack of communication is delaying a negative message, telling us that our time and money are not enough to make this happen for Dimitry and / or Alby?
I can't help it.
I really do try not to dwell on it . . . but it's there, with little horns and a pitchfork, sitting on my shoulder.

I've stopped going up to their room, except to deliver a bag of clothes generously donated to them and their friends for our next trip.
I can't decorate it, because I can't let my heart go there right now.

A friend at work gave me the perfect analogy this week:
Ever wanted a baby so badly, but time passed without that double line on the pregnancy test? But, everyone around you (so it seemed) easily became pregnant from drinking the water? Baby showers and gifts for other couples were necessary purchases, but literally pained you to buy? The entire world seems fertile and focused on all things baby when you want one yourself, but are unable to cross the finish line. That's how I feel sometimes . . . like I may never bring my babies home, despite the sacrifices, the stress and the prayers.

Several times each week, I feel like I just want to pack up, move my family to Jacmel and be close until it's all finalized and we can come home together, forever.
I could assist the local CRNA with providing anesthesia coverage for the area. Eric could help the Sisters with needed maintenance in Fondwa and perhaps teach the secondary students there. My heart is already there, so why not the rest of me?
I am a realist, though. There are health concerns and safety issues, especially for my munchkins here.

So . . . we remodel our kitchen. Focus on other tangible things that will ultimately benefit our family. I sort clothing, toys, stuff to minimize the amount of "things" around us. I read to my children and try to teach them about global concerns such as poverty and hunger and the immense number of orphans in our world while explaining that our loving God is also the Creator in those worlds of suffering. He does not want His children to bleed and starve and be without . . . He is their God too.
I want to do more. I want to show them that we can do more.

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So, I'm gonna be honest here . . .

It's tough watching children come home and hearing about others preparing to travel after enduring a few months of waiting.
Why is it so much easier to bring home orphans from China than Haiti?
The domestic paperwork is the same (home study, financial stuff, fingerprinting, etc., etc.), and while certain agencies add / subtract from the final paper chase work load, why are referred children united with their forever families so much sooner?

Please do not misunderstand me: I am not minimizing the suffering of those families or children.

Yes, I get the whole Hague Convention thing and the entire lack of stable government and consistency in Haiti . . . blah, blah, blah . . .

I WANT MY CHILDREN TOO.

Sorry, I didn't mean to yell, but it's so incredibly frustrating and sad.

Makes me feel like this guy (stolen borrowed from Pinterest, of course).
What I should be focusing on is that God's timing is perfect, and the fact that my attorney hasn't responded to my email asking if he was able to attain the information he needed to proceed with our paperwork shouldn't discourage me . . . right?
I should think like this (also ripped off acquired from Pinterest):

Yes, yes, I know.
I do.
It's just that my heart is full of love for these two boys and it aches every single day that passes, not knowing if they are eating today, if they are healthy, if they are cold at night or if they are sad and lonely. Was our last visit enough to carry them until we see them again?
Do they know they are wanted?
Do they know they are loved?


It's not that I don't rejoice with my friends who are bringing home their children from China . . . but it's a reminder, too, of how long we've been working to bring home our children . . . and makes me fear how much longer we may have left to wait.

I may have mentioned this once or twice before, but being patient is not my strong suit. I'm confident that this is part of the process for me and He knows what he is doing . . .
but good grief! Throw me a bone here!

 Sometimes, I suppose I need a little encouragement and a friendly reminder that what I know is true, IS.

Happy birthday Baby Boy

Happy 4th Birthday

ALBY VOLTAIRE !!

Your mama and your papa and your brother and sister are thinking of you, missing you, and wishing you health and a full belly today.
. . . and that next year, you'll KNOW it's your birthday and be here with us at home. xoxoxo

Easter = Love

What a fabulous opportunity Easter is to teach my children's hearts about Jesus!

While I am slowly getting better at this, I have not been an open book with my children about God's love for them, and for that I am embarrassed and ashamed.

I grew up in Sunday school and attended a private Christian school where I learned Scripture, knew Bible songs and was trained in the laws of the Lord. I want my children to have that same background and guidance . . . from ME.

Like a lot of people, I strive to live my faith out loud. I don't want to be a Sunday Christian with a weekday heart. I want to live everyday as God's child, mirroring His love for me to others. I want to bring up my babies in His glory and His grace. I want them to be confident in their ultimate home after life on this earth.

I am so blessed to know my Father loves me. Look at how blessed I am!

God has blessed me with a husband that words cannot begin to tell of his wonderfulness! (Nice word, huh?) We have healthy children and a home waiting for two beautiful boys from Haiti. We have more than we need and are working on sharing more of it with others. What is there to not be thankful for?!

My focus is going to change. I want to teach my children about Jesus and His mercy and His unconditional love for them. I will do more than talk about "treating / talking to each other like you want to be treated / talked to." I will read them Bible stories and teach them about the saints who went before us. I won't leave it up to their overworked and overburdened preschool and Sunday school teachers to tell my children that they are loved by a Redeemer and Father unlike they can ever imagine. I will be an example of how to live praise and be thankful despite trials and burdens of life. I will show them love and acceptance and forgiveness more fully and obviously than I have been.

Easter is the perfect example of God's most generous love for us . . . and I, for one, do not deserve His mercy and His grace . . . but I am so very thankful for it!

A Mess

Please do not stop by my house to say hello or borrow a cup of sugar or for any other reason.
One might think a tornado tore through here.
No, really . . . I'm not kidding.

I'm purging, which means that my family is purging also.
No, they do not have a choice.

Stuffed animals given to us by great-grandma who had to purge in order to move into assisted living . . . that are ugly, frankly, and no one plays with.
"Baby" toys that everyone has outgrown and there is no need to keep for the boys.
A children's cup collection that has really gotten out of control. Who needs this many cups?!
Glad ware; bags and purses; shoes that aren't really comfortable or fit quite right; tee shirts (but NOT the adoption ones!); books; knick knacks; home decorations from past lives; etc, etc, etc.

Oh, and we're getting new counter tops and back splash, which means the cabinets had to be emptied and the drawers removed . . . and stacked in the office.

It's lookin' NICE around here!

But, I'm feeling productive and happy to see the piles of clutter grow because that means it will soon be leaving my house.

And that is NICE!