Faded Bliss

You know when you go on a fabulous vacation with your family and you feel warm and fuzzy with the renewed bonds between loved ones? Despite the laundry and relative stress of re-entry into the real world, you carry a little post-trip bliss for a time, right? That's what I had going from this past weekend at Created for Care.

What a fabulous group of caring, funny, honest and open ladies who share not only a heart for adoption, but also a heart open to the Holy Spirit!

Saying that I brought a lot home with me, is an understatement.
(and I'm not just referring to the tee shirts, awesome jewelry, pamphlets, notes, etc.)

I was blessed to hear about Created for Care through a wonderful adoptive mom that I like to call my friend, even though we've only been each other's presence on two occasions now. She introduced me to the world of blogging, assisted me with fundraising for our adoptions, and really inspired me through her words and character.
Thank you Colleen for your support, honesty, perspective and networking!

I went into this weekend with a heaviness on my heart. We had just buried Sister and left the other sisters grieving in Leavenworth. I was feeling uncertain about our connection with Alby and the possibilities of attaining the mystical paperwork that doesn't seem to exist in Haiti. The stress and worry of it all was weighing me down. We even had tickets to Casting Crowns and Matthew West on Thursday night, but I let them go - I needed to hang out at home with my kids and my man before traveling. But . . . I am soooo glad I went.

My heart and head are full of encouragement, tips for success, resources and new friends from Created for Care. Which is awesome because . . .

You know how you come back from a trip all blissed out and the Enemy starts hacking away at you, trying to steal your spiritual glow and all that warm and fuzzy? Uh huh. I started feeling ill Saturday night at retreat, and after stopping at Sisters of Charity in Leavenworth to bid our dear Haitian friends farewell before they travel home, my fabulous husband and I spent the remainder of our night in the emergency room. We left at 5:45 Friday morning, headed to the airport, and I didn't return home until 12:15 in the wee morning hours of Monday . . . and had to be at work at 6:30. Ugh. Now, although on the mend thanks to antibiotics, I'm tired and irritable at the end of the work day - you know, the part of the day that really matters. When clients and patients and co-workers are gone and it's about the important people that REALLY matter: my husband, my beautiful children and our family.

I may have mentioned one or two times previously that I am not a patient person by nature, and when exhausted, am easily overstimulated. I may have also mentioned that I have a 7 year old son who loves to tease his 4 year old sister, and she dishes it right back at him. Long story made short: it's been a rough start to the week.

Dear Lord, you know my heart and my vulnerability to the Enemy. Please give me strength to fight off the exhaustion and the irritability. Please help me to show those that mean the most to me how much I truly love them and appreciate them, every single day. God, please bless my children - the two in my home and the two in my heart, far from us now. Protect them and provide for them, as You do for all Your children. Thank you for the immense blessings in my life and forgive me when I take those blessings for granted.

Preparing for a final goodbye

It's a been a quiet week of staycation.

This was the first week off work I have had that was not spent giving anesthesia or traveling for adoption purposes in Haiti since last August.
Now, don't get me wrong - I took those trips voluntarily, and wouldn't have wanted to miss any of them for the world, but I'm tired.

The past month has been full of stress, worry, caring and mourning. Someone dear to me has suffered, battled, and ultimately lost her fight against liver cancer.

I was thankful when she was moved to hospice, not only because the atmosphere was much more peaceful and calming, but because the commute to Providence after working all day downtown or out south was tiring.

During this time, we received distressing news from our attorney in Haiti.
He basically stated that our paperwork has been dormant for 5 months due to lack of social, psychological and medical information on the boys.

5 months lost - Are You Kidding Me??

The only people who have any information regarding my sons' history are grieving the loss of their loved one and leader. The woman who has the knowledge of my sons' parental status, the situations under which they came to the orphanage and the history of their lives since those dates is now gone.

Kind of makes me feel like vomiting.

I am grieving for the loss of the woman who literally saved my boys' lives. I am grieving the loss of a person who was larger than life, with enough love for her entire community and beyond, who had a great vision for the sisters in her community and the children in her care.  I am sad that the person who brought me to my sons, will not be here to see our family complete. I am scared, despite being told by other dear sisters that our adoptions will continue to be supported through completion, that forward momentum will be lost. Or worse yet, one of our boys will be lost.

As I have mentioned previously, one of our sons is in the orphanage in Fondwa, where he will remain and continue to attend school and live with the other children. The other is in Port-au-Prince, attending school where he is closer to medical care for his sickle cell disease, living with a family who is fostering him until our adoption is complete. I do not know this family's name. Sister knew how to contact them and what arrangements exist for his care. He is separated from the other sisters and children. It's difficult for me not to fear losing him.

I've been fighting off the tears and the worry and the stress that has been building . . . 

but I'm not sure how much longer the dam will hold.

Tuesday, we will say our final farewell to Sister.

She is in a much, much better place and would tell us not to cry for her, but mourn her, we will.

I am ready to see Sister Claudette and Simone again. It's been a long week without any contact since she passed, but I hope I'm not a blubbering mess when we are together.

I'm not a pretty crier anyway - red splotches, runny nose. 

Dear Lord, help me get it out beforehand or hold it together until the ride home please!

I am so thankful for the time I've had with Sister Carmelle and will forever cherish her laughter, her acceptance of my family into her community, her generous gift of Dimitry and Alby, and her love of Fondwa.

Friday, I will attend the Created for Care conference in Atlanta. 

I've literally been looking forward to this event for months. It is finally here and I find myself feeling drained, bogged down with sadness and worry and fatigue.

I do know that His timing has a purpose. I know that His plan is divine.

I am ready for new insight, hope and joy to be planted in my heart.

But first, I may just have to have a good ole cry.  

Sister

Sister Marie Carmelle Voltaire

September 21, 1962 - March 10, 2012

Calling her home

Of course we all know this, but God doesn't always answer our prayers in ways we expect.
He also doesn't respond according to our timeline . . .
but ya know what? He's listening and He cares and He does answer prayers!

In the past couple of days, some major changes have occurred.
Peace is settling amongst us.

Sister's status has changed.
The deterioration of her liver and kidney function is evident in the accumulation of medication making her virtually unrousable.
Her respirations have increased over the past 24 hours and her ability to communicate is gone.
The other Sisters are steadfastly keeping vigil at her bedside, and in the very near future, God will call her home.

It is no coincidence that I am off work this week for my children's spring break.

Control Issues

While this may sound strange, one of my favorite books is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' The Wheel of Life. I'm honestly not sure how many times I've read it. This physician literally transformed the way death and dying is approached for the terminally ill.

I wish I had more power to help those I love who face the end of life.

There are so many factors in our society that determine who receives care and for how long. Hospice services and facilities exist, but at what cost? Who covers the care for those without the means the pay?
And if the funds run out, then what?

When someone says If I cannot function productively, then I want to die, what do you do or say?

What do you do when your loved one finally seems peaceful and more comfortable, and then the plan changes again?

It stinks not having the control.

Ode to Grandparents

God knew what he was doing when he made grandparents.
Nuff said.

Grandmas watch your kids, even when they have runny noses, a fever, or the dreaded tummy ache . . . and all that goes along with that ailment.
Grandpas let kids hand them tools and lay on a creeper to "help" in the garage.
Grandmas put extra eggs in the muffin mix to sneak in protein for their little skinny grandkids.
Grandpas throw kids into the air, just to listen to them giggle repeatedly, despite their aching backs.
Grandmas act as chaperones on preschool field trips and go to holiday parties at school when mamas and daddies cannot get away from work.
Grandpas keep candy bars and little tiny bottles of water in the garage fridge, just for their munchkins' snack.
Grandmas and Grandpas have sleepovers so mom and dad can have an occasional date night (THANK YOU).
Grandparents understand the importance of Sunday school, time in the McDonald's play area (ugh), frequent snack time, swinging on a sunny day in January, and napping with a favorite lovey (and recognizing  when it needs to be washed).

My grandparents are / were great.
One gave us graham crackers with chocolate icing for a snack and, much to my mom's dismay, let us dip strawberries in sugar. We played Cooties and word games. She had the most beautiful peonies in her yard. There were dried peppers hanging in her kitchen, and she always smelled of rose water.
My other grandma let me watch Haley Mills'  Parent Trap over and over again. She cut the crusts off my sandwiches and taught me about Henry, the Rat Fink.
My Grandpa Baker smelled of peppermint and wore slacks every day.
My Grandpa Dick hid chocolate in the den, and always helped us find it to have a little bit.

Despite my fond memories of time with my grandparents, I have to say that our parents are absolutely fabulous grandparents.
The sacrifices they make to see my children, spend special time with them and make memories is awesome.
I'm not sure that words can possibly do justice for the gratitude and appreciation we have for our parents and the role they play in our kids' lives.
We are doubly blessed.