March 31, 2014 --

My surgical team left for Port-au-Prince today.
This is the first time since January 2010 that I have been absent from the group.
It's my own choice - I thought I'd be helping my family adjust to a new addition,
or at least traveling to bring him home.

I'm struggling with a lot of sadness right now . . .
that this adoption process is taking so ridiculously long;
that USCIS isn't responding to our I600 (citizenship application);
that it's been so long since I've been in Haiti and held my child and soaked him in.

My soul is weary,
again.

It's tiring, reading posts from other adoptive families on FB . . .
everyone's timeline and progression through the system is different,
which is unbelievably frustrating.

Up until now, Haiti has been a non-Hague Convention participating country,
which changes tomorrow.
With the country's radification to the Hague,
newly processed families will hopefully experience less confusion,
less corruption, greater consistency in process and processing,
and perhaps, if all goes as planned, shorter waits from application to homecoming.

In the meantime,
families like us (under the "old laws"),
continue to read about other families' paperwork traveling from A to B to G to D to C to E, etc.,
while ours took an A to C to B to D to G, etc. path,
and still, other files take the G to E to A to C or whatever path.

Essentially, the lack of consistency is stupid.

Today, I read of another family receiving provisional I600 approval before their child's Haitian passport had even been applied for -- WHAT??
It depends if you apply in the United States versus Haiti,
if an agency represents you or you employ an independent attorney,
blah, blah, blah . . .

Okay, so what if you apply in Haiti,
and submit all necessary documents the second week of December,
have all the "i's" dotted and the "t's" crossed,
celebrate ANOTHER holiday season without your child,
watch them turn ANOTHER year older,
pray like mad and go nuts watching the calendar pages turn over and over?

You know what international adoption from Haiti is like?

This mama is tired of holding on for dear life.
I'm tired of the brief upswings only to plunge so far down.
I'm ready to get off.

Today, I purchased my son's bunny for his Easter basket.

There is still a Christmas present from my mom-in-law in his closet waiting for him.

"Home by the end of summer" became
"by October, for sure," then
"Christmas 2013,"
and now . . . we are looking down the barrel towards another school year ending.

Worn.

No,
this mama is not "hanging in there,"
and, for the record,
if one more person tells me that the delays in my son's I600 approval and homecoming must be part of God's plan / timing / etc.,
I may vomit on their shoes.

I have a strong faith in God,
and I do believe in His timing,
but I do NOT believe that He wishes for any of His children to grow up in an orphanage,
when a mommy and daddy LOVE them and have worked so long and hard to prepare a home for their son / daughter.


Please don't tell me to wait "well," just a little longer.


Don't ask me to "be patient."

Don't say "hang in there,"
"take a deep breath,"
or any other cliched "you are almost there" remarks
because, frankly,
I'm about to crack.

3 1/2 years is too long.
One more day is too long and may just be the straw that breaks this camel's back.

"Adoption is not for the faint of heart"   

Who knew?

I started this week intent on thinking positively,

after all, USCIS can only take so long to email a simple approval, 

right?

By Tuesday, I was a mess.

(It was time for my new coworkers to see this side of my life, I suppose)

Somehow, 

as things find a way of doing,

something got screwed up . . . 

AGAIN.

Our fingerprints are set to expire on the 15th,

AGAIN,

and while I contacted our USCIS agent via email,

sent the necessary forms and fees, 

along with a clear statement of our new address (in multiple places),

our renewal paperwork was sent to our old address (in another state)

and our appointment with the Department of Homeland Security was scheduled in the Kansas City field office . . .

some 627 miles away.

Really people?

Those of you who are "friends" with me on Facebook have already read the following statement:

my tolerance for Haitian inefficiency and delays was much greater that any level of tolerance I can muster for my own country's lack of accuracy and efficiency affecting my son's LONG OVERDUE homecoming.

Add to that, the frustration and sadness from the promise of an October 2013 homecoming from our attorney last year,

then Christmas 2013,

then another birthday passing,

then . . .

And now, 

with a plane ticket purchased and plans for our annual surgical mission trip cancelled 

due to the delays in processing Dimmy's homecoming, 

I feel deceived again.

Unsure of an actual time frame,

with no explanation for the delays or lack of communication,

wait one second . . .

I thought I was done dealing with that crap. 

This is the United States I'm dealing with now.

My own country. A developed, technologically savvy country.

Ugh

So here's a little tidbit that individuals not having experience with adoption may not know:

some of us adoptive parents occasionally Google their children's orphanages in hopes of catching a glimpse of their child.

The truth?

Resulting photos can be bittersweet.

I have found photos of my son

(and the child who was to be my son, for awhile)

and it's difficult to explain the mixture of emotions --

wonder at seeing them before we met,

joy in a baby face that will help document this child's life,

happiness in the recognition of other little friends or clothing that we took on past visits,

and then there is sadness in recent photos of my child with strangers,

traveling on their own mission trips,

meeting and falling in love with my son,

so far away from me.

that's our Dimitry on the right

I don't want my son's photo coming up in Google searches of Fondwa orphanage any more.

He has a family.

He has a home away from the orphanage where he has spent the majority of his life,

and all the days that he remembers.

He has a brother and a sister and a closet full of clothes and a bicycle awaiting him in the garage and . . .

I want my son home.

I would be remiss not to recognize the significance of this day:

Sister Marie Carmelle Voltaire
September 21, 1962 - March 10, 2012

Our Haitian angel above,
may you rejoice in your life with the Lord!

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so many days since I updated . . .

I'm back in the zone of telling myself,
each and every day,
that I CHOOSE to be hopeful
and have faith that word will come regarding Dimitry's USCIS approval,
but at the end of the day
(more accurately, at the end of the Haitian business day, 
two hours ahead of our time zone),
I find myself disheartened and discouraged and feeling defeated once more.

How hard can it be to approve legally attained documents for a child who has lived in an orphanage for 3/4 of his life, with no biological parent interaction?

Why are some able to pass through USCIS in three weeks, submission to approval??

Is it because we lack agency representation?
Is it because the orphanage is remote and holds no creche' licensure?
It is because others have taken advantage and illegally obtained documents, so all files are being scrutinized?

Let's be clear,
I don't care why,
I want this done and over-with and my child home.

No one deserves to be teased with a stable family in an affluent country for 3 1/2 years.

No child should meet a mother and father and brother,
hear that he is loved and wanted,
then left in an institution with 60+ other children,
month after long, stifling month,
wondering if he misunderstood or if circumstances have changed.

post-earthquake rebuild

the new orphanage in Fondwa

I realize that dear friends and others who walk this journey want to be informed,
but it is the lack of communication, day after day, after year,
that keeps me from posting more often.

He should've been home a long time ago.
There is nothing questionable or curious in his file, that we are aware of.
Our 4 year old baby boy in the pink boots
is now 8 and still needs a family.

I wish I had something more encouraging to post,
but for now,
it's the same ol', same ol' story
of waiting and wondering.

One of these mornings,
I'll actually check my email at work and have something to rejoice about.

In the meantime . . .