The reality that this long process WILL ACTUALLY END soon
is starting to set in.

All of the books and the blogs and the articles about attachment, healing the orphan's heart and what to do when the wait is finally over suddenly seem crucial.

Every word I have read over the past 3 years about what to expect, how to accept, what we should and shouldn't do is swirling around in my brain like one giant word tornado.

How do we adjust to disciplining our biological children without treating them completely different than their new sibling?

How do we communicate those first few days / weeks / longer?
(Really, I can't carry around my little creole book all the time. Will I remember what I know and what I'm trying to learn when I'm using it again?)

How do I possibly go back to work so soon after my son finally comes home, when I've done the paperwork and the worrying and the negotiating and planning and everything for our adoption all this time?

Will he even understand at all that it's just not my choice?

How will we bond if I'm gone at work all day?

No one has told me what to do when FMLA is an option, but an unpaid one,
and I am the breadwinner and the mama, too.

Things like this help me anticipate what is ahead, at least:

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/08/21/the-truth-about-adoption-one-year-later

Dimitry will need to heal, because adoption is about loss.
He has experienced things that we don't want to think about,
but they've likely happened,
and rather than pretend or hope they didn't,
our duty is to help him heal while also protecting Grant and Addie.

And this:

http://dreamingbigdreams.net/2013/09/04/my-kid-is-home-now-what/

How do we get the support we will need from friends and family, while also keeping our little family out of the limelight for awhile and allowing our son time to adjust to his new world?

What if we screw up?

That's normal in parenting . . . but what about parenting a healing soul?

And then, we have the future to look toward:

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/09/03/the-truth-about-adoption-two-years-later

All of this mounting excitement is similar to a wedding -

you plan and you prepare and you have fittings and tastings and audition musicians and write vows, 

and imagine how it will all turn out and come to fruition,

but the ultimate goal should be a successful, strong, supportive marriage.

We've been filing paperwork and renewing fingerprints, 

paying fees and watching deadlines,

decorating rooms and collecting clothes and shoes for the new arrival . . . 

now it's time to get serious

and REAL.

I feel blessed to have the wisdom of those who've gone before us shared in blogs and articles, etc., but I'm nervous about the words of one such mama who told me to call her when he came home and she'd talk me down off the ledge. 

*eek*

I'm not questioning my ability to love my son or bond with him or provide him the nurturing and safety he needs.
I suppose I'm realizing that our world is about to change,
which has been the plan all along, I know,
but I'm not sure to what extent yet,
and I'm not sure how each individual will be affected.

I wish I could protect my little ones' hearts,
and heal their hurts and take away their fears,
but I guess that wouldn't allow them to live, would it?

Labor Day Monday 2013

It's not a holiday in Haiti.
It's just another Monday for the working folk.
Just another day to do what needs to be done.

When you do not hear any news or updates on your adoption file,
it comes as a big surprise when an email does come,
on a lazy holiday,
when your expectations are low . . .

We are out of MOI -
Heading into passports, BABY!!

Woo HOO

I won't go into specifics, but I am not surprised that more $$ is finally being requested.
I will be posting a facebook "garage sale" and Haitian fund raiser ASAP.

Thank you for your ongoing prayers on our behalf.
I'm so overcome with emotion . . .
Getting closer to getting this boy HOME.

Yes, I realize that I haven't written anything in a while.
Sadly, that does not mean that I have wonderful news or anything exciting to report now.

It's been over 15 weeks since court and since we last saw our son.

Many families have come together recently,
most reporting that their time in MOI and until passports were received was between 14 and 17 weeks.
We don't know when we were submitted into this last stage of Haitian processing.
We are in a communication "dead zone" once again with our attorney . . .
I'm sure it's because he has nothing to report,
but oh! what a little update would do for morale.

Sister Claudette reports that Dimitry asks when we will come for him,
and she tells him "soon," and to keep praying.

I keep praying.
I hope he knows that.

"Adopt Without Debt"

Wow,
Doesn't that title sound great?
Why wouldn't you adopt??
If there are so many thousands of children in this world without homes
and families to love on them
and feed them
and care for them,
and you could do it without mortgaging your home
or maxing out your credit,
why not?

Here's a little know factoid:

without agency representation,
(also known as independent adoption,)
it is not possible to apply for grants, adoption loans,
or receive charitable gifts from private organizations towards adoption fees.

In well developed countries,
to my knowledge,
adoptions are not done without agency representation.
I'm not aware of international independent adoptions in China or Korea or South America.

Unfortunately,
an awful lot of orphans live in under-developed areas,
where resources are poor.

It is discouraging and heartbreaking to love a child where agencies arms don't reach.

It is stressful and scary to pursue adoption,
and spend thousands of dollars year after year,
with no chance of grants or assistance to supplement personal funds.

While a child waits to come home,
life goes on.

Vehicles need replacing;
Sibling activities need paid for;
House repairs require attention;
Unforeseen circumstances arise.

Despite the best intentions,
credit card bills get larger and debt compounds.

Trips to visit the waiting child go on Visa,
then it's time for court, and another trip gets added on too.
Fingerprints need updating and home studies require annual renewal.
"Gifts" of support are paid to the orphanage director and
medical exams, transportation to and from the embassy,
and visa fees have to be paid.

Adopting without debt takes assistance.
Even adopting while incurring debt requires assistance sometimes.

Without the generous support of our family and friends,
I'm not sure where we would be now.

I never imagined a process advertised as taking 12-18 months
would stretch into three years.
I never imagined my sweet 4 year old Dimitry turning 5,
then 6,
then 7 without us.
I didn't plan to update our initial home study twice,
or pay to update fingerprints a 2nd and 3rd time.

Sometimes, I envy families with agency representation.
The assistance available to them,
the communication with a designated individual from their child's orphanage,
traveling the road with others from the same location.
Not that it's easy for them

HA

(as if any part of the adoption process is easy for anyone.)

I would go into debt again and again for my child,
but,
next time . . . ;)

Food Security

As an adoptive mama,
I struggle with balancing nutritional needs with children's eating preferences.

Wait . . .
as a parent
(period)
I struggle with these issues.

There is a certain child in my household
who once was very, very thin,
and we struggled to put weight on him for a long, long time.

We supplemented meals with Pediasure.
We had his tonsils and adenoids evaluated.
We limited milk to avoid filling up on liquid instead of solid food . . .
(which was not the problem, by the way.)
Whole milk switched to 2%,
then only with meals,
then back to whole milk for the calories . . .
We even medicated him with Periactin,
an old antihistamine used to stimulate appetite,
which made him a very, very angry boy:
Unbearable behavioral side effects that even he noticed and asked why he was having.
No go.

You know what worked eventually?
Chicken nuggets, french fries, McDonald's cheeseburgers,
cheese quesadillas, lots of yogurt (thank God he loves Greek yogurt),
milkshakes (Pediasure, protein supplements, ice cream, whatever) . . .

Now, he is a picky eater.

He likes hot dogs and cheese chips.
He'll eat Subway, but prefers a good cheese pizza.
He loves pancakes and bacon, biscuits (no gravy, please), and waffles.

He's 8 years old now and finally 67 pounds.
He's in gymnastics and swims and loves to ride his bike.
He'll eat raw carrots and small portions of salad, if coated in ranch dressing,
but expect him to eat potatoes or green beans and he'll literally puke in his plate.



Compare him to his younger brother:
Also thin, but in a different way . . .
Under the ribs that one can count, there is a bit of a swollen belly.
He's much, much shorter than his older brother,
with little bitty feet,
and at 7 years old, he wears 5T clothing.

But I'm sure those things will change rapidly,
soon.


I have personally witnessed him having a square roll for a meal,
off set the following night by a plate of rice and beans
heaping so high that I would have difficulty eating it all . . .
but he did, of course,
in case the next dinner was bread again.

When we visit, he constantly asks for water in the bottle we bring,
something that isn't always available to him, otherwise.

What will he think when he is finally home,
able to push a button on the fridge and have cool water whenever he wants,
all the time.

We have snacks and meals and more snacks,
all day long.

Every
single 
day.

How do I argue with one to eat,
while the other struggles not to hoard and over eat?

How do I discipline one for not even tasting food that he deems to be "yucky looking,"
when the other feels guilt for his friends left behind and the food they don't have?

Where is the balance?

I can read all about one,
and work with him to accept his blessings without guilt or fear of losing his new security . . .
but other than nagging and reminding him what his brother does not have,
instilling guilt in him, I'm not sure how to fix the oldest.



We are cooking more at home,
buying organic and trying tasty recipes;
always having fresh fruit and veggies present and available . . .
but the war rages on.




Tonight, we made cookies simultaneously with dinner.
They help me cook and love being in the kitchen participating,
but when the time comes to eat or miss out on dessert, the pressure is on.

G repeatedly told his sister about "barfing in the toilet" after eating potatoes,
etc., etc. with lots of embellishment.
I was effectively ignoring most of it while cleaning up the dishes,
until I heard the distinct sound of gagging and turned to see my little one's eyes full of tears,
mouth bulging and the look of fear all over her face.

I banished him to his room and announced his dinner done.
Sister spit out her potato on command and sobbed to catch her breath.
Unbelievable.

I tried to cool down, but lost it when I called him out and told him of the food insecure children in our own community, including a child I cared for today:
obviously malnourished and behind on his developmental milestones,
taken into state custody at the age of 3 young years.

A son, spoiled by his economic status,
comfortable in his environment and secure in his needs being met;
Unaware of the blessings we take for granted that make us a minority.

Another son, waiting with no idea of what lies ahead of him,
but secure that he will be loved and wanted and part of a family.

A mama, torn between two worlds,
aware of what others need and do not always have,
wanting to teach my children and show them what they have . . .

not wanting them to grow up too fast,
but also needing to make them aware.

Good Day

What a glorious blessing we received this week!

Our dear friend,

and a caregiver to our son Dimitry,

visited our home for the very first time.

(from 2012)

It was such a joy to have Sister Claudette in our home,

finally meeting my parents,

and seeing where we will bring our boy to!

(Why didn't I take any photos of her in my house??)

Even though I have no physical proof of her visit,

my heart is full from her presence

and just hearing her say that our Dimitry asks for us,

fills my soul.

Soon, my son . . . soon.

Here we go again . . .

Another tropical storm . . . 

Another rainy season . . . 

Time continues to pass without word of progress towards a passport.

We have a son in another country,

waiting for us to come and bring him home.

He wonders when we will be there . . . 

How long he will have to wait . . . 

If his new family longs for him like he does for them.

His heart breaks,

day after day,

waiting and wondering

when we will come.

Sister tells us

Dimitry asks for you.

And my heart breaks,

again and again.

And I pray,

again and again.

Today, on the radio, I heard that we should come BOLDLY yet humbly before God,

not only with our typical concerns or fears or needs, 

but with our heart's greatest desires.

We frequently ask Him for the strength to do what we already have the ability to do.

We should ask Him to move mountains.

Mountains of paperwork,

mountains of red tape,

mountains of hypocrisy or doubt . . . 

We should ask God for the things we see as miracles.

I was told this months ago.

I changed the way I prayed,

for a while.

I guess I forgot, though.

I began to pray in praise -

thanking God for the work He has yet to do,

but I know He will do in my life,

in my son's life,

for my family.

Maybe what He wants is for me to ask Him for the "impossible."

Perhaps He wants me to demonstrate my trust in Him.

Perhaps, my fears are so tied up in the lack of tangible evidence that our adoption is nearing completion

that I keep forgetting to put my trust in the One who does have control.

I yearn to hold my son,

and wish I could return him to the 4 year old baby he was when we met . . . 

but I cannot.

I can pray to my God to protect him while he waits,

institutionalized,

surrounded by many much older than him,

and beseech my Father to shield his innocence.

2010

I need to believe that is happening.

I need my son to believe that we are coming for him.

I need him to know that we are trying, 

very, very hard.