Nearly Broken

My heart is broken . . .
for orphans.
for Haiti.
because of this process.

Each day I try to contain the emotions and heart break when asked how things are going with our adoption. Every time, I take a deep breath and try to give the short answer that nothing has changed.

I check my email eagerly each time that tone sounds on my phone. I check my junk in-box each evening, just in case something was mis-filed. I read the news pages and can't help but see the exuberant posts of families exiting IBESR and finally getting passports for their children, at long last.

Today, I read the joyous post of one family who received word that they "exited IBESR after 7 long months!"

7 months . . .
Wow.

Our dossier arrived in Port-au-Prince, directly to our attorney, on October 21, 2011 . . .
where it has remained . . .
for 9 months.
That family's dossier was submitted to IBESR two months after our file should have been moved on, and now, they look forward to visa interviews and an imminent homecoming.

Wow.
Absolutely heart breaking.

Did I miss something here?
Did I read the signals wrong or misunderstand the calling?

When Sister died, several people told me that they believed we were brought to her, not only to put adoption strongly on our hearts, but to help her in her journey.
I was here to talk with physicians and help support my dear friend Sister Claudette through the challenges and pain she faced. I was blessed to see Sister comfortable in her last days, in a place of peace and solitude. I was blessed to spend hours with Sisters Claudette and Simone and Mirlande, and visit once again with friends who share my love for these women and Fondwa.

Was my calling to adopt more generic than I understood and interpreted?
What about my immediate attraction to Dimitry and the warmth the three of us shared so quickly and easily? Eric and Dimitry bonded so quickly . . . and so deeply.
He's our son.
So why is this so difficult and riddled with obstacles?

We have lobbied for the Sisters and the orphanage. We have fund raised and collected and sponsored. We have traveled and spent so much money already.
I love Fondwa and my friends family there.

We have strained our finances and maxed out credit cards. We have saved and scrimped. We have filled multiple coin jars and have money waiting in CDs for the attorney's call. We have cancelled vacations, cut back on entertainment and household things, and have lived paycheck to paycheck so the money can be directed towards this process.

I've prayed for every part of this journey and each person who's hand is involved in the outcome.
I'm literally sick over the silence.

I can't stop looking at the photos of my boys and their friends and children in orphanages all over Haiti.
Have I misunderstood somewhere along the line?
Has my purpose been fulfilled in Fondwa?
Is my purpose for the Sisters, rather than the orphans?

Is there some reason we keep hearing that it will be no problem to complete Dimmy's paperwork for dossier advancement . . . but nothing actually happens?

I have to believe that Dimitry is our son.
My heart started letting go of Alby a long time ago . . .
he is so far out of reach, it seems.

Is there someone else?
Another path to be followed?
Another road that I just haven't found . . .
or been open to?

I don't know how else to pray, what else to ask for, what else to seek.
I just feel broken.