I have frequently admitted to being less than eloquent in my blogging abilities, but I read something that really touches on what I've been feeling lately, and want to share it with you:

http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2012/07/stuck.html

This is quite a road we are on . . .
One that currently has us anxiously researching agencies and Haitian creches, trying to figure out who might help us bring our Dimitry home and perhaps, if there is another child meant to join our family.

As always, we could use some prayers.
And if you are also on this journey of adoption, please know that YOU are in my prayers, as well.

Answer to Prayer?

I have a very smart friend who once told me that change is not always bad.

(That sounds a bit "duh" when I write it, but hear me out.)

A while back (and a few lot of blog posts ago), the IBESR gained a new director. The aforementioned friend eased my mind regarding this change by saying the change of personnel may be a blessing in disguise. Not only did the new director really get paperwork flowing across the desk tops in Haiti, but she has also been working with administrators to make adoption in Haiti more streamlined.
So, of course, his perspective was spot on (like that? a bit British, huh?)

Well, now there are more changes.
Today, the director of All Blessings International posted that the IBESR has issued a statement regarding the new adoption laws that will likely go into effect this time next month.

My initial response was mixed.
A mixture of nausea, anxiety, relief and hope, to be exact.

Here's a few of the major points, in a nut shell:

• Independent adoptions will no longer be allowed; all adoptions must be coordinated through a licensed, IBESR approved agency (a list of approved agencies to follow . . . hopefully sooner rather than later)
• Before any proceedings begin, a child must be found eligible to be adopted by the IBESR
• A priority list for eligible adoptees was given (orphan, physical disabilities, developmental disabilities, abandoned child, child relinquished by parents for adoption . . . )

A. We have been trying to adopt independently, meaning that we have not been associated with an agency (because Fondwa is remote and religiously run), but gathered our own paperwork and hired an attorney (endorsed by the U.S. State Department) to submit the dossier and do the legal work.

B. Both of our boys were essentially abandoned (or relinquished to the nuns for care, indefinitely), although we were able to obtain official relinquishment from one boy's father during our last trip.

While we have not been successful in getting our documentation submitted, or obtaining any kind of abandonment status, or making any progress at all, with the exception of our last little adventure before the judge, I am hopeful that this law change will give us the backing we need to move on. Perhaps, with the new laws supporting us, we can find an agency to work with us and continue our adoption journey with Dimmy. As stagnant as our relationship has been, this may be our opportunity to move past an attorney-client relationship and onto a better situation where progress will be made.

My only fear is the funds.
                  go figure

We're already 7K deep in legal representation and an additional 4-5K in education, home study and dossier creation, translation, and legalization, USCIS processing and fingerprinting, and other various things.
We have a small bit saved (for what was supposed to be the second half of our attorney's fees, covering passport processing for both boys), but the thought of starting over with an agency is frightening.

On the bright side, our part of the dossier is already complete and shouldn't need to be reworked as we already have USCIS approval.

but it's still nerve wracking

Wow.
I never imagined it would go this way.
Then again, what part of international adoption is truly predictable?!

Nearly Broken

My heart is broken . . .
for orphans.
for Haiti.
because of this process.

Each day I try to contain the emotions and heart break when asked how things are going with our adoption. Every time, I take a deep breath and try to give the short answer that nothing has changed.

I check my email eagerly each time that tone sounds on my phone. I check my junk in-box each evening, just in case something was mis-filed. I read the news pages and can't help but see the exuberant posts of families exiting IBESR and finally getting passports for their children, at long last.

Today, I read the joyous post of one family who received word that they "exited IBESR after 7 long months!"

7 months . . .
Wow.

Our dossier arrived in Port-au-Prince, directly to our attorney, on October 21, 2011 . . .
where it has remained . . .
for 9 months.
That family's dossier was submitted to IBESR two months after our file should have been moved on, and now, they look forward to visa interviews and an imminent homecoming.

Wow.
Absolutely heart breaking.

Did I miss something here?
Did I read the signals wrong or misunderstand the calling?

When Sister died, several people told me that they believed we were brought to her, not only to put adoption strongly on our hearts, but to help her in her journey.
I was here to talk with physicians and help support my dear friend Sister Claudette through the challenges and pain she faced. I was blessed to see Sister comfortable in her last days, in a place of peace and solitude. I was blessed to spend hours with Sisters Claudette and Simone and Mirlande, and visit once again with friends who share my love for these women and Fondwa.

Was my calling to adopt more generic than I understood and interpreted?
What about my immediate attraction to Dimitry and the warmth the three of us shared so quickly and easily? Eric and Dimitry bonded so quickly . . . and so deeply.
He's our son.
So why is this so difficult and riddled with obstacles?

We have lobbied for the Sisters and the orphanage. We have fund raised and collected and sponsored. We have traveled and spent so much money already.
I love Fondwa and my friends family there.

We have strained our finances and maxed out credit cards. We have saved and scrimped. We have filled multiple coin jars and have money waiting in CDs for the attorney's call. We have cancelled vacations, cut back on entertainment and household things, and have lived paycheck to paycheck so the money can be directed towards this process.

I've prayed for every part of this journey and each person who's hand is involved in the outcome.
I'm literally sick over the silence.

I can't stop looking at the photos of my boys and their friends and children in orphanages all over Haiti.
Have I misunderstood somewhere along the line?
Has my purpose been fulfilled in Fondwa?
Is my purpose for the Sisters, rather than the orphans?

Is there some reason we keep hearing that it will be no problem to complete Dimmy's paperwork for dossier advancement . . . but nothing actually happens?

I have to believe that Dimitry is our son.
My heart started letting go of Alby a long time ago . . .
he is so far out of reach, it seems.

Is there someone else?
Another path to be followed?
Another road that I just haven't found . . .
or been open to?

I don't know how else to pray, what else to ask for, what else to seek.
I just feel broken.

With triple digit temperatures, I'm daydreaming of autumn and trying to plan for the school year.

My baby girl is starting kindergarten and couldn't be more excited.
Mama's thoughts are of new backpacks, the quality of school lunches . . . and my children's attention span during those quick 20 minutes of lunch time . . . pencils, new teachers, bus rides, shorter days and hopefully some falling leaves.
Trying to decide if big brother will stick with tae kwon do a little longer (he's getting bored) or switch over to gymnastics with the new school year.
Thinking about work schedules and juggling Daddy's volleyball coaching with our life at home.
Looking at the calendar and thinking that this heat has to break sometime . . .
Really, it can't be 90 degrees on Halloween, right?
Soon, we'll be planning for long sleeves and checking to make sure that jackets are packed along with snacks for school.

Here's a thought: Christmas shopping. (Don't gag - I'm thinking cool thoughts here.)
Not that I want to rush things, don't get me wrong, but cooler sounds nice and so does the routine of another school year.

I love new shoes and clothes for fall. Reading bedtime stories before tucking in - this doesn't happen much in summer time since we often stay up too late, giggling and goofing before collapsing into a "it's so hot and we spent half the day at the pool and the other half riding scooters or playing dress up inside" coma.

There is a lot to be said for routine.

Then again, it would be nice to not watch the calendar pages turn over and over again, thinking that "maybe next year" we'll see our boys home.
I'd like to pick my vacation weeks while planning fun outings and trips rather than trying not to burden sitters while we return to Haiti for another round of political cat and mouse and bittersweet time with our sweet ones there.

It's funny how "normal" changes over time, isn't it?
The loss of loved ones, new schedules and activities, waiting . . .
normal takes on many forms.

Blessed through it all though.
And I suppose, that's enough.

I've fallen behind in blogging, I know.
It's a bit of an uphill journey right now and progress is hard to come by.

On August 1st, the IBESR will start accepting adoption dossiers again.
Once again, I find myself close to begging in order to get anything done with our paperwork.
We are lacking a death certificate for one parent, despite hearing repeatedly "we can get that - no problem." I'm not sure where it is going to materialize from, but I've followed several leads and it's not any clearer.
We have lab work for Dimitry showing that he is sickle cell, Hepatitis B and HIV negative - required "medical" for visa processing. That's great, but . . .
without a death certificate, we cannot proceed.

What's the deal with this??
What do I do?

I've prayed for my boys. I've prayed for the nuns. I've prayed for the community and for the attorneys and the process. I've prayed for patience and for direction and for progress.
What am I missing?

I don't believe that this is anything other than what I'm supposed to be doing. My heart is confused, frankly.

I don't have anything to report because nothing is happening.

Paperwork is starting to expire.
Next month I will pay $500 to update our home study and keep it open. We just spent $500 in Haiti last month to complete Dimmy's dossier, settle paperwork, etc.
That was obviously money well spent.

My children are growing and getting older.
My boys in Haiti still do not have families or security or clothes that fit or 3 meals everyday.

I've read several places that perhaps I should not be praying for progress generically, but should ask God for action now.
I've been told that I'm wrong about this, but my feeling is "really?" That seems a bit pushy and presumptuous of me.
Isn't HE in charge? Doesn't HE have this in HIS hands? Who am I to demand of God?
Isn't this about HIS timing? It's not about my will or my desires or my wishes.
HE knows my heart and HE cares for HIS children . . . HE knows what needs to be done.
So what else do I do?
Really. Some input here would be appreciated.

I know my God is a God of action. HE is a God of miracles and healing.
I know HE has a plan and a heart for these children.

What I do not know is what I'm supposed to be doing with all this waiting . . .
I'm trying to advocate, to witness and to serve on behalf of the fatherless.

But most days, it doesn't feel like enough.

I want my boys and I want to know progress is being made to get them home.

Staycation

Sometimes, just being home, is a very good thing.

I have spent 12 wonderful days on staycation, and it was needed.

My house is cleaner, laundry is actually in closets / drawers rather than piled, clean, in baskets in the laundry room. The fridge is full of fruits and veggies and other healthy yumminess. We've been to the pool . . . a lot. We saw a movie. We've spent time with family, taken naps, worked out (a little - not as often as I should've in 12 days at home, but . . . yeah), and had some fun.

It's been nice.

I admit to being obsessed with all things Haitian and spending a lot of time thinking of my boys and how to get them here, but this week it was nice to focus on my other babies . . . and yes, my hubby is included in there.

My littlest was diagnosed with amblyopia this week and we ordered her first pair of glasses. As a mama, this is a little heartbreaking. She is our performer and our natural athlete and I wonder how this alteration, albeit minor, will alter her course. We first noticed that one of her little eyes was deviating midline occasionally last November. It always happened at the end of the day, when she was fatigued and winding down at dinner time. An opthalmologist I work with sometimes told me she was likely farsighted and to make an appointment to see him . . . which I did, after finally speaking with him in the spring, but being in high demand, apparently, the date we were given was mid-July.

In the meantime, we took Addie to her kindergarten check up and she failed her vision screening . . . miserably. The pediatrician suggested that waiting for the July appointment was not in our baby's best interest. (Enter the mommy guilt.) Off we went to see one of the aforementioned MD's partners, whom I loved, by the way, and received our diagnosis. So, now we have a prescription for lenses and will likely need to patch her strong eye in order to make the brain recognize the weaker eye for a while, depending on how the brain and eye work together with the glasses. (heavy sigh)

7 to 10 days is a long to wait for glasses when you watch your baby go cross-eyed every time she eats or gets sleepy.

On the upside, little kid's glasses have come a long way. Her frames are black and pink with little crystal butterflies on the sides - very chic for an almost 5 year old. Apparently, her taste in frames will follow her daddy's. Thank goodness for flex benefits :)

Funny how we see so much of ourselves in our children.
God sure knew what he was doin' with the whole parent-child bond thing.

It's been a blessing to be home with my family this week. I am thankful that I cancelled our original plans to travel and go, go, go this week because the time at home together couldn't have been much sweeter.