eager to thank God for His blessings,
intent on asking for assistance,
but slow to recognize when His answers are before me.
I have been praying for a while now for God to show us the path we should be on -
to lead us down the road that will best nurture our expanding family,
and allow us to be less dependent on credit, living like we should live in His name.
There are some opportunities before me now.
Some are a bit intimidating . . .
but I'm not afraid of hard work to reach the goal and the outcome we seek.
My spouse is incredibly supportive,
and thank you Jesus, on the same page when it comes to making lifestyle changes.
In all this time I have been asking for His Spirit to lead us and show us a better way,
I never expected to have 3 opportunities presented to me at once.
It's exciting.
It's incredible.
It's a little scary.
We've made some changes recently and my hubby is now a stay at home Daddy,
taking very good care of the munchkins and the house and all of us.
It's a different feeling being the breadwinner.
Now, don't get me wrong,
our dynamic has always been that my salary pays the majority of the bills,
but we've always had his paycheck as a cushion that supported our frequent dining out habit and paid for extras, like cable, cell phones, etc.
No longer.
Now there is more of this:
With the addition of our middle son SOON,
we've invested A LOT of $$ into paperwork and plane tickets and legal stuff like fingerprinting, home studies and updates, document authentication, etc., etc.,
that are not easy to see or account for, except for receipts.
It's not fun stuff to spend money on,
but whatever it takes, baby.
I have been extremely stressed by the debt we've incurred,
and despite occasional efforts to pay big sums off,
we have not been successful in maintaining a dent in the bottom line.
Something needs to change.
Recently, I had the privilege of speaking with someone about my career goals and where I've found myself since I entered anesthesia school 13 years ago.
That has started a snowball rolling in my head . . .
The program that I attended was run much differently than it is today.
We had one director and her co-director,
who were strong women,
intent on maintaining the integrity and strength of the program and its graduates.
It was also a bit lop-sided at times.
Students were sent to clinical sites, based on their personalities and perceived strengths,
not always distributing the opportunities evenly among the class.
For instance, "the boys" were given the opportunity to train with a group of military CRNAs, where they were taught regional anesthesia skills, adding to their marketability, tenfold.
They were the "strong" ones.
Very intelligent and savvy.
They played the game well, without exhibiting self-doubt or any emotional or clinical weakness.
They are very successful today.
One is an assistant program director,
another is partner - owner of his practice.
I'm not sure about the others, but I'm positive they are doing very well also.
Some of us,
some of "the girls,"
were "weak" in that we displayed emotion and vulnerability -
the kiss of death.
We still succeeded.
The first practice I joined provided a fabulous platform for my development.
I worked with great people who supported my continued learning.
I learned a lot,
(now I realize that I have matured a lot,)
and I had wonderful mentors and friends.
One such friend was a beautiful, intelligent woman
who was skilled in anesthesia and life.
She had a military background,
and was feminine, charismatic and awesome.
She told me once that it is true when people say a career "woman can't have it all."
I disagreed with her,
starting my career path, eagerly anticipating our first child . . .
it took ten years to catch up with me,
but now, I get it.
Here I am,
awaiting my 3rd child's arrival,
stressed to the max with bills, debt and what finalizing this adoption is costing,
looking at my anesthesia school peers who have little to no debt,
high profile careers and expensive hobbies,
and I remember her words.
I chose to come back to KC,
and I was not blind to the huge discrepancy in salary related to geography.
I chose to relinquish a fair amount of autonomy for a lifestyle change.
It has made all the difference being able to attend church and spend holidays with family;
no late night calls requiring a return to the hospital for an emergent case or labor epidural placement.
I have been home with my children in the evenings,
even able to get them off the bus the past two years.
There are professional opportunities that I dismissed in favor of raising my little family,
and I wouldn't change a thing.
I sense the seasons changing.
I've come to a point where I feel as though I've been passed by, professionally.
The opportunities before me for growth involve, not only a major change in professional autonomy, but a huge change in salary, as well.
Are one of these options the answer to my prayers?
Not even I can be so blind to ignore what is before me,
and not just one possibility, but three -
craziness . . .
awesomeness.
So, it's up to me.
What am I up for?
What can I handle?
What am I willing to sacrifice?
And here comes the little devil on my shoulder:
are you sure you are smart enough?
are you sure you haven't lost too much knowledge / skill / drive / guts during these last years?
are you capable?
The answers to a and b are "yes."
Can I be the mommy I want to be,
need to be,
and still become what I can be professionally?
I think Yes
and I'm fortunate that the breathtakingly handsome spouse is equally capable, intelligent and supportive during the journey.
It's time to take a breath,
stand up straight and tall,
and move forward.
Sometimes, changing directions isn't about out-growing old things, or people, or habits, but is about growth and development and writing a new chapter.
Adoption is about loss.
The loss of a family and familiarity and sometimes culture.
But, adoption is also about writing a new chapter -
a new family,
a new home,
a new language and culture (sometimes).
Perhaps it's time for all of us to write a new chapter,
not just Dimmy.
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