Hump Day

I'm feeling uncertain. I'm feeling scared.

I read message boards where people are discussing the timeline for Haitian adoption and seeing that some are told 20-24 months for paperwork completion AFTER the dossier arrives in country.
Along those lines, conversation persists regarding President Martelly's statement that independent adoptions will cease, involving agencies only in the future. However, his government / cabinet is not fully formed and to make laws, one needs people to do the work. Soooo . . . .

how much time do we have?

what should we anticipate?

how many trips do we take?

how long before our boys are truly ours?

will our paperwork expire requiring us to start over or pay all over again?

will we get so far and be denied?

I am digging deep

                      but running low.

If we are forced to go with an agency, I will lose my boys because they are in the mountains of Fondwa, with a small group of Sisters to care for them, far away from the city and what politics exist in Haiti.

Today, I am fatigued.

I am emotionally drained from dealing with mortgages, real estate, critically ill children, bills, and  "what ifs."

I'm searching for faith. I'm trying to trust. I'm praying for stamina.

I thank my God for friends like Aimee and Heather and for my mom, who continually lifts me up.

My heart aches for these children. I want to hold them and love on them. I miss them every single day.

Their little faces give me hope. They make me smile.

I miss this place.

Sigh

Whew! What a week.
I will admit it - I've been on the verge this week.

First, we were promised an offer on the house that didn't come.
Then, we heard that President Martelly stated that independent adoptions in Haiti will stop. Now, don't get me wrong, joining the Hague Convention will greatly benefit the children of Haiti, and monetarily, the country itself. I'm all for reducing the exploitation of children in the world. I am pro-family, anti-hunger, anti-poverty, desertion and abuse. I'm also all for bringing my boys home in the most efficient, least costly, legal manner possible.

I've also been all about coffee this week, and without the support and love of my coworkers friends, I would not have made it through this work week.

I have been amazed by the caring support and unbelievable generosity of the individuals I am blessed to work alongside. I have cried upon shoulders, been hugged and showered with fabulous items for our fundraising auction.  And that's just the past two days! Beyond my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined the volume or value of items that have been donated to our cause.

There is no doubt in my mind that we are truly blessed and I thank God for the network of people wrapping us in loving support.

Trusting

I am a faithful person.

I trust in God's will and His timing.

even if I don't understand it

I believe that "if He leads you to it, He will lead you through it."

I find comfort in other faithful believers who think that if it is His will, He will provide in all ways.

although I'm not sure the struggle isn't part of the journey

I'm at a portion of this ride where there are lots and lots of up and down moments. I'm holding on by a thread and rarely make it through a day without tearing up out of fatigue, frustration or fear.

This morning I was speaking to some co-workers friends about the boys and I got choked up.

shocking

I was telling them about Alby spending his life split between Port-au-Prince, to be near the medical facility, and the orphanage in Fondwa. Eric and I both agree that he seems well cared for and loved by all the Sisters. They make sure he doesn't get too cold in the mountains and that he gets his needs met. He is clean and doted on. We frequently saw him in a lap or holding someone's hand . . .

while our Jimmy is one of the Fondwa 65. He shares a barn type dwelling with all the other boys. In this building (as in the girls' building), there are 10 or 12 beds cots, 2 dangling light bulbs and a wood floor. Hmmm, let's consider the math: 65 children, 24 beds at best. Do they pile in together? Do they sleep on the floor in their clothes? likely What goes on in these buildings where the only affection and love these children receive is what they share with the other children? Multiple times, we witnessed older children holding and hugging the small ones.

They don't know a mama's touch or a daddy's hug. They aren't taught about good touching versus inappropriate touching. They aren't aware of societal norms, by our standards.

What have they experienced?

These things keep me awake at night.



I frequently get asked how the fund raising is going . . .

do you want to see me cry?

Last week, a family viewed our home for a 2nd and 3rd showing - staying nearly 45 minutes on their 3rd visit. That kind of time investment makes me think they are deciding where to put the Christmas tree! Although, here I sit, with no offer and no idea how I'm going to pay 2 mortgages again this month and pay an attorney to start our paperwork in Haiti. How can I sleep at night thinking of the next time Alby will have a sickle cell crisis treated in a Haitian "hospital," or Jimmy wondering if anyone will ever love him.

Dang it, here I go again

It may be a combination of fatigue and stress, I'll admit, but I'm scared. The success of this fundraiser is weighing heavily on my heart. I soooo want to see my boys and tell them we love them and want them and are working very hard to bring them to their new home. February was a long time ago and the uncertainty of selling this house and being able to travel to them anytime in the near future is breaking my heart.

I swear this journey is aging me. I feel great joy and hope when I focus on the future of Jimmy and Alby in the Edmunds' family. I feel blessed to have the Sisters caring for the boys and watching out for us during this process. I know God is in this and He will bring us through it . . .

I just wish I knew when and how:)

www.gotchagiftregistry.com





Feeling drained

All in all, it's been a successful week, albeit tiring. On Tuesday I found myself asking "is the weekend here yet?" A bit early to feel drained, but that's where I'm at. It all started on Saturday . . .

I met with my dear friends Heather and Kelly (aka my ultra-fantastic auction coordinator and adoption finance coach) to discuss the logistics of our upcoming fundraiser. To put it mildly, it stressed me out. My to-do list was long, but mostly the importance of the event weighed heavily on me. Kelly likened the fundraiser to planning a wedding, but it feels like even more is riding on this. Don't get me wrong, the coordination of a wedding is a big deal, but truly the importance is on the sacrament and the outcome - the marriage - not the venue or the dress or the cake on a specific date.

(Oh my gosh, he's cute! Hee hee)

For this particular event, however, it does matter how many people attend, if the food is satisfactory, if we actually sell everything in the auction . . . it matters because it will be bringing my family together. This fundraiser will bring my boys home to me.

Be still my heart.

No, I mean it. I had some sort of dysrhythmia for two days because of the stress and perhaps the amount of coffee I ingested.

I promptly got on my to-do list, and by Sunday night had the parts to the centerpieces ordered, formal invitations designed and ordered, and had increased my guest list by nearly 20 percent.

Then came Monday . . .

and this time, there was success! (Whew.) I could've kissed the short little lady behind that desk. I went straight to my next task:

sending that precious dossier off to be interpreted! (I received word that it arrived as promised today.)

Now, lest you think of me as a serious worrier, unable to rest my burdens where they belong, I will also mention that in the past couple of days I participated in a very stressful phone call with my realtors regarding mortgage debt, short sales, and property price after caring for a 31 week preemie with central apnea at work. 

I'm not crazy; my plate is full. Oh yeah, and it's volleyball season which means my interactions with my spouse consist of a quick kiss as we exit in the morning and a few texts throughout the day. 

On a positive note, our new attorney (I guess we've officially retained his services now) resides part-time in the United States, is on the US Embassy list, answers his email promptly and will accept installment payments. Thank you Lord! Each nickel and dime I find is going into a jar towards our adoptions.

Oh, and we've gotten our appointment notice for our final fingerprinting with the USCIS - yippee!! (which is a government office, on a 9-5 schedule -- super convenient for all us workin' folk. Thank God for understanding bosses and flexible co-workers!)

The great thing is that I sleep in a wonderful bed, shower with warm water, never go hungry and have a great support system. All things I am itchin' to give those boys.

www.gotchagiftregistry.com







After they're home . . .

To compliment my last post, I was given this gift: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport.

Wow, is all I can say. Like I said, not all rainbows and butterflies.

Adoption is hard, hard work, before and after the homecomings.

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

While I am a realist, and expect pain and tears and fears and frustration, I still wonder where the stamina and the resilience comes from. When does the attachment occur and the hurt subside? When is there trust . . . a some small rainbows with butterflies?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

www.gochagiftregisty.com

From Loss

The first words I heard when I got into my car this morning were from JJ Heller:

"He cries in the corner where no body sees, he's the kid with the story no one would believe. He prays every night 'dear God, won't you please, could you send someone here who will love me?'"

The very first time I heard this song, I cried. I cried for Jimmy and for Alby and for all the orphans in this gigantic world.

I've talked with a lot of of people this week about what I expect when the boys come home to us. Will it be rainbows and butterflies and glittery sparkles? Heck no. It will be painful and sad and a bit heart breaking. We will be taking these boys from everything they've ever known, from the children they live with and the nuns who care for them. We will be taking away their recognition of all things comforting, familiar and friendly. We will look different, smell different, talk differently and have all new expectations of them. We will put them on a plane, which they have no comprehension of, feed them different food and be strangers.

They will be sad, confused and eventually, frustrated . . . perhaps even angry at us.

Hopefully, soon they will understand our love for them.

They will not thank us or be grateful or excited. There will not be hugs or kisses or snuggling for awhile. They will not understand the sacrifices we've made to bring them here or even care. There will be tears . . . from everyone.

Then, eventually, I hope there will be healing and trust and reciprocal love.

I pray for their hearts and for all the orphans who never know a family or wonder if they'll ever be loved.

God knows each one.

www.gotchagiftregistry.com

Authentication

Yesterday I had the privilege of experiencing the Secretary of State's office for adoption paperwork authentication. I entered full of enthusiasm, ready to get that official seal on "the big 4" and ship our dossier off to the interpreter today . . . but left disappointed. It seems the notary on our psychological evaluation is incomplete. You know that wording about "in the county of _____, so and so did before me appear and swear . . . blah, blah, blah" . . . it has to be there or the notary cannot be authenticated. Dang it. Now I get to experience the Secretary of State's office again in 7-10 days.

Instead of mailing off our dossier to be interpreted, I mailed the psych eval back to Parkville, from whence it came, for reprinting and re-notarization, and now I'll wait for it's return . . . over the holiday week. Heavy sigh

In the big scheme of things, I realize it is only one more week, but for my psyche, it was a let down. On a positive note, that fancy gold seal next to Robin Carnahan's signature sure is purty! I bet they'll like that a lot in Haiti :)

I'm getting restless about visiting the boys again too. It's been 6 months since we were in Haiti last, and I'm itchin' to return. I want to see my boys and take more photos of them to last me a while longer. I want to visit with the Sisters and do laundry in a tub by the garden. I want some of that yummy stout coffee and beans & rice with plantains. I want to make Alby giggle and see Jimmy's bright eyes. I want to hold them in my lap and try to talk with them in my limited Creole. I want to tell them they are mine and they already live in my heart.

I made a photo book on My Publisher the other day of our visit to Fondwa and added in some Jacmel photos, as well as photos of G and A here at home. I'm confident they won't remember that we've met before, but I hope that by showing them pictures of us together, they will start to make a connection. My kiddos here already know the boys by photos and stories, but G and A are strangers to Jimmy and Alby. I want to introduce them. I want them to know that we think of them and pray for them and are doing all we can to become family.

I really hope we can travel again in November.

www.gotchagiftregistry.com