another heavy sigh

Dear "youthful" driver,

Before crossing multiple lanes of traffic at 70 mph, it is customary . . . polite . . . SAFE even, to check your mirrors and look at your window. Whilst crossing said lanes of traffic (3, to be exact), should another driver honk at you, to inform you of their presence (while running onto the rumble strip to avoid being side swept and run completely off the road), consider it a courtesy and be appreciative. Rude hand gestures are NOT necessary and completely uncalled for. Furthermore, mouthing hatefulness in your rear view mirror is just ridiculous, considering YOU were at fault and almost harmed ME! Furthermore, had I been prone to angry outbursts, I might have run over your cute little pocket-sized vehicle, just to make a statement.

Geez Louise.

Why is it, when we are peaceful and calm, that ugliness finds us so easily? 

The Enemy certainly recognizes our vulnerability when fatigue, emotion and stress cover us, but it is no stranger to our weaknesses. 

I heard a comedian speak about the chaos that seems to ensue in families bound for church. Isn't it inevitable that someone hates their hair, has wrinkles in their socks, can't find a certain indispensible trinket or loses their coat when you've said it's time to leave for Sunday services three times already?? That's also when someone in the backseat has a potty mouth, feels the need to taunt the baby, spills something or cops an attitude. 

Really??

It also seems that when I'm overwhelmed and mentally and / or physically exhausted, I become a target.

Hmmm . . . 

Desperately trying to save for adoption and travel expenses? Here come unexpected car repairs, new tires needed, furnace goes out . . . insert costly repairs or replacement here.

Feeling challenged by child care issues and work demands? Working late and juggling family schedules? Enter the "office gossip" and prepare for the pot to be stirred. Surely you have it easier than every one else, right? The grass is always greener, and he or she is going to point the finger at you.

So, let me get this straight: if I don't gripe about the hours I work, or complain about my coworkers or work conditions, then I must not be working as hard as you? Interesting.

Perhaps, after 13 years in the field, experiencing different leadership and work conditions, and (dare I say) a bit of professional maturity, I can appreciate that the grass isn't always greener.

Perhaps, after experiencing loss and sadness, possibility and generous blessings, my priorities differ from yours.

What is wrong with that?

I used to work with someone who was very unhappy . . . except, it seemed, when she stirred up drama. It was very draining. She manipulated and argued and spread ugliness. It literally wore me out to work at the same time / location as her.

I started praying for her, and ya know what? It worked to change my life.

The misery that she caused gradually became obvious to those in charge. It became obvious to those who followed her and believed her untruths. It began to stick to her and become less of a burden to me. I didn't say anything to anyone. I didn't change the way I behaved. I didn't have to do anything at all. I just had to pray . . . for her . . . someone who made my life crummy. I didn't pray for her untimely demise (ha ha) or anything unfortunate to happen in her life, in fact, I prayed the opposite. I prayed for her to find happiness, perhaps even love.
It's been a while, but I think someone else needs a similar prayer now.

Please don't get me wrong - I am not without fault. HA! Far from it. 
I am frequently fatigued with all the self-pity I take on.
Mama guilt . . .
Time spent looking at Pinterest or Haitian adoption blogs and discussion groups when my daughter says "Mama will you play with me?" all in the name of "unwinding."
Far too long between visits to the orphanage . . .
Does he know he is wanted? Does he know he is loved?
Does he think we've forgotten him or changed our minds about coming back?

Our son in Fondwa turns 7 years old tomorrow.
I hate that he is there and I am here.
Another year has passed without a permanent home and a family to call his own.

I look around at what we have
a new couch 
our new-to-us minivan
new jeans and tennis shoes for the kids
and I feel torn.

I feel like we should be debt free, with lots of savings in the bank,
and all aspects of our family life wrapped neatly and tied with a bow
as if that will somehow prove we are ready to bring him home.

I wonder if we should have less to prove we want him more.

Are other adoptive families more organized,
more relaxed,
more prepared,
more godly,
more perfect than ours??

No. That's crazy.
We are ready for our Dimitry.

My eyes are on You, Lord.
I know that You are in charge of this journey,
and while Your timing is not clear to me,
I don't have to understand.
I only have to follow where You lead.
Please forgive my weakness and my moments of doubt.
Continue to bless the children without families
and help them to know they are loved by You.
Lead the politics and paperwork to see these families joined.
Give us strength and stamina to carry on the hope of seeing our children home,
where we can love on them and share Your grace with them forever.
Thank you for the immense blessings in our lives.
Humbly, I ask for you to hold earth's orphans in Your embrace.
Amen.