Wow . . .
Where do I begin?

It's been 3 months since I posted, which is surreal because it feels like much longer.

Life, in general, feels sometimes surreal.

In 2011, an adoptive mother told me that I would grieve the loss of my family "that was,"
meaning, before our child arrived.
It was difficult for me to imagine feeling sadness while we continued on the very long process to bring our son home at last . . .
Now, I understand.

There came a point in August when I broke down and cried (good call Colleen.)

Please realize that my tears were not remorseful.

I cried for my oldest son and for the time I felt I was losing with him.

(When did he grow up SO much?)

I cried for my daughter and the impact my fatigue and frustration might be having on her.

(How do I help her stay little, as long as possible, and enjoy each and every moment?)

I cried for my middle child, at the loss and fear he has suffered, and out of guilt for not being 100% understanding during his outbursts.

(We waited 3 1/2 years for him, but how much longer did this babe wait for a mama and daddy?)

I cried for the quiet times I feared were all in the past.
I cried over the sibling struggles that have exponentially multiplied in our household and out of frustration for not being able to make this time super smooth for them.

In the quiet times,
especially at night, lying in bed,
the Enemy creeps in and plants seeds of doubt and self-pity.
The fatigue of parenting multiple school-aged children who are individuals with varying needs makes a working mama feel inadequate.

How do you love unconditionally when you see the hurt and pain in one's eyes because of another?
While digging deep to be everything to everyone, it's easy to run low on steam and question your ability to maintain at the current level.

Then there are the happy times, the giggling until your tummy hurts times, the peaceful and quiet times, where contentment is bliss and all is right in our small world . . .
and you know the beauty and see the friendship and feel the love.
And it's right here, right now, and it's real.

We've had many firsts and have enjoyed a lot of great moments in these short months,
and we've been so blessed by the support of our new community and school.

It's hard and it's messy, but every day is a new adventure and we are so grateful.

Once again, it's evident that God creates beauty out of ashes.

Roadtripping

Cousins

First baseball game with best friends

A party for sister

Bike rides and time together

First day of school

 An entire family of goofballs

Adoption, (like kids, themselves) is messy

Dimitry has been home with us for one week.
He has been with Eric and I, 24 / 7 for nearly two weeks.

There have been surprises,
both good and not so great.

We have been pleased with the attachment between child and parents,
although, after many trips to Haiti over the past years, we were not strangers.
Even still, there are a lot of adjustments that need to be made.

Imagine being 8 years old,
coming from a place where nothing you have really ever belongs to only you;
where meals are consistent, in that beans and rice, bread with peanut butter, and occasionally chicken is served;
where diarrhea and open sores on your body are simply typical;
where older children are "in charge" of you;
a place where there are no mommies and daddies to tuck you in and say goodnight.

Imagine being 8 years old,
never knowing what it means to be part of a family --
having rules and limitations, being expected to share and mind when instructions are given;
being picked up and held when you get hurt;
taking a warm bath with bubbles and toys and someone to wash your hair;
wearing clean clothes, every single day
and always having more than enough to eat.

A few battles were not expected,
like wearing a seat belt on the airplane,
but we assume the majority of issues that arise are related to stress and sometimes, lack of understanding.

There has been some fear -
being told to go on a car ride (to take the brother and sister to school), the day after arriving at home.
How did he know that was where we were really going?

We've heard from others that their children who came from difficult places can have a really tough time adjusting to life in a family. No matter their age, some have a hard time accepting authority, trusting in new relationships, living with siblings, adjusting to a new culture and lifestyle.
Some are abusive to parents, siblings and / or peers.
Some abuse themselves.

We are blessed to have a genuinely sweet boy,
who wants to be held and accepts affection.
From the first day home, he has been loving and gentle with our big, old chocolate labradors.
He is empathetic when a sibling gets hurt.
He is compassionate and funny  and sweet.

But there is frustration,
and there have been just a few tantrums.

He does not like being told it is time to go inside after playing for hours on his bicycle.
He does not like being told that his bike is his, but his siblings' bicycles belong to them.
He does not want to hear that he cannot watch any TV show or movie he wishes
(he is particularly interested in anything depicting fighting, battles or what I consider to be violence.)
Being told that those shows are not appropriate for children and will not be watched in our home did not go over well.

He is essentially, a very typical 8 year old boy.
He is messy and smelly and gross (the boy can belch -- makes his older brother jealous with his skills).
He is beautiful and gentle and wonderful.

It is not all unicorns and rainbows, but it's life,
and isn't that what life is? Messy?
Messy and wonderful and challenging and completely awesome.

We have a lot of growing to do.
There is a lot of grace to be given.
There is trust to earn.
And we have a lifetime to grow together.

Home, At Last

On Monday, May 19th, Eric and I left for Port-au-Prince, Haiti to bring our son home.

Sometimes, it seemed liked this day wouldn't come.

"Before"

On Saturday, May 24th, 2014, our son became a citizen of the United States of America

and, at long last, he came HOME.

"After"

Thank you, dear friends, for the love, support, and prayers on our family's behalf.

This journey has taken a different road, but certainly is not over.

There is so much that lies ahead of us -

and like the journey itself, much of it is unknown -

but we are confident that God has led us this far and will remain with us throughout the course.

At Last

The time has come.

It's been a few hectic days, booking flights that allow for a flexible return trip,
hotels en route and during our stay,
transportation in-country,
and of course,
setting an itinerary that covers all bases.

Tomorrow, Eric and I will, once again, turn over the care of our babies to my mom and dad while we finally travel to bring home little one #3.

It's surreal.

I'm excited,
anxious,
nervous,
relieved,
and thrilled.

There is much to be done in a short period of time,
and praying that certain steps will be expedited,
we hope to arrive home next weekend,
but are aware that we are not in control of certain factors
which very well may extend our stay until the following Tuesday.
(The U.S. Embassy and Consulate are closed May 26th for Memorial Day)

Please keep us in your prayers as we travel, navigate the final political processes for both countries, and begin our family's transition into a new normal.

Photos of our family of 5 to follow soon :)

Very Good News

It has been a very, very good morning:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Edmunds,

 

USCIS in Port au Prince, Haiti is pleased to inform you that the I-600 petition, which you filed at this office on March 13, 2013 on behalf of Gilles Dimitri, seeking to qualify him as your immediate relative has been approved. Your case has been transferred to the Adoption Unit of the Consular Section for the visa process. This completes all action by USCIS on the referenced petition. The Consular Section will soon contact you to follow-up on your case.

 

Should you have any question regarding the visa process, you may send your inquiry to the consular section at papadoptions@state.gov.

 

Regards,

 

Adoption Team

 

Department of Homeland Security

U. S. Citizenship and Immigration Services

US Embassy, Port-au-Prince

Blvd 15 Octobre, Tabarre 41

Finally.

We should be traveling to bring our boy by month's end.


Seems like a good time to review another mama's advice:

"My biggest advice when you bring your kids home is to know that this is a journey. Two steps forward and three steps back is how I look at it. It’s a long and hard journey and if you thought that your wait for your child was grueling, you have no idea what the next few months/years have in store for you. Just as you tell a new mom that eventually her baby will sleep through the night, or that your child will one day be out of diapers, it’s the same with your child from hard places. Eventually they will love you. Eventually they will trust you. Eventually they will look you in your eyes when you talk to them. Eventually, friends.

1. Create Boundaries

I once had a woman tell me that if you bring home a child that once lived in an orphanage or was in foster care you need to automatically assume that they have been abused physically and or sexually. That’s a hard reality to grasp. Parents want to ignore this and believe that this could not have happened to their child, but you should assume it did until you know that something has not happened to your child. What this means for your family is that you set up boundaries in your home and you discipline differently than you might be used to.

For us, our boundaries looked like this:

no kids shower or bathe together, ever
all kids have clothes on at all times around the house, and aren’t running around in their undies
no kids share beds with any other kids
children are not left unsupervised to play – doors stay open at all times
These seem drastic, and for those of you that have never brought children home from hard places this will mean a lifestyle change, but this is to protect every child in your home. It’s not rare for children to run around home in their underwear or bathe together, but I would suggest this stop when you bring your child home.

If your child does exhibit behavior that leads you to believe that something has happened to them, I would suggest contacting a counselor immediately. I would also suggest that you up your boundaries to protect this child and to protect your other children. Also remember it is not your child’s fault. In some cultures children are not protected for sexual images and acts like they are here in ours. It is not their fault.  Love them, and help them learn a new norm. Help shape their new view of family and how we treat each other in our families.

2. Stay Home

This is a hard one for people, and I get it, but I find staying home to be very beneficial for everyone involved. Your child has been yanked out of their country, their home, their environment and thrown into something so strange. Although to us this seems better than where they were for many reasons, it’s still not their home. Even if they were in the worst orphanage ever, it was still their home, and you can expect some changes to be hard on kids. Your child needs to relearn a lot, and constantly being with his/her family is the best way to do that.
If you have been in this process for a long time, you have people that have journeyed with you and feel a part of this story as well. They want to see your son/daughter and love them.  I get that. But here’s the problem with this: your child needs to learn about family. They need to learn who their mom and dad are, and if they are constantly being passed around to lots of different adults this process becomes hard for them. We had visited our son Amos in Haiti for two years consistently, and when we arrived home we still bunkered down. Although he called us Mama & Papa, he had never had a consistent mom and dad, and I’m not even fully convinced that he knew what a mom and dad did or were.  We needed to provide his needs 24/7 just as a new mom and dad do for their infant.  They create a bond of trust and love by meeting those needs, and that is hard to do when lots of people are meeting those needs.

We were strict about it, and asked people not to touch or hug our kids for a while. I know it sounds lame, but our kids needed to receive all their love and affection from us, so they would begin to bond with us. I say all the time that in those first few months had you come over and offered Amos a better deal he would have gone home with you. Yes he loved us, yes we were his parents, but also our bond was still growing, and we needed time to make that stronger.

You will go stir crazy, especially the main care giver. What we did was a lot of trading off. I would go for a run and release some energy while Aaron would stay home. We would get our kids down at night and have a close friend come over to sit with them while we went on a date after they were all asleep. Aaron worked from home a lot and tried to be at every meal during the day. It takes work friends, but this is not forever. It’s a few months. You can do it for the sake of your child.

3. Keep Loving

One of the hardest things for me as a parent was loving a child and not getting love back. I had never experienced this before as my other two kids had been with me since birth – one bio and one domestic adoption – and had always loved me. Story was two when she came home and loved me back as well.  Then I bring home a four-and-a-half year-old that I have known and visited since he was two and he doesn’t always love me. In fact he doesn’t really exhibit love towards me at all. I was not prepared for that one bit, and it hurt. It hurt to the core, because I had pursued this child for years and given him my whole heart and soul and now he doesn’t even care. I cried many tears over this, and it was way harder than I had imagined.

My first instinct was to keep loving. I mean, I’m a grown woman, I know I need to keep loving this child because he is my son. But if I’m completely honest with you, there were some dark days in there when I didn’t want to love him anymore. I was tired. I was exhausted from giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I saw so much ugliness in my heart that I never knew was there and I was full of shame and guilt for the things I thought about my child that I truly did love so much. He pushed every single button I had. I also developed new buttons, and he pushed the heck out of those as well.

But I want to tell you that you can do it. You can muster it up from deep inside of you and you can love this child. Keep pushing towards them. Keep begging God to put that in you. This child needs unconditional love more than anyone in your home right now. They don’t know love like this. They have always had people leave them and not love them. The only way I made it through that first year was Jesus. To be reminded of his love for me as I push and push and push him away, and he always pursues me.  Always loves me.  I want to show that to my child.

4. Pursue Community

Lastly (although I could really come up with about 897 things to tell you), surround yourself with people that you love and trust. You will need people around you that love you unconditionally, support you 110%, and that are trustworthy. You need people that will listen intently to what you are saying and feeling, that won’t judge you, that won’t try to fix you, and that will point you to Jesus. You need people that you can tell them how you are really doing and they won’t give you the look that says “well you wanted  this, so suck it up and deal with it”. (Yes, someone said that me once. Ugh.) Find people that have walked this road before and listen to them. They are a few steps in front of you, and can offer you wisdom you can’t imagine that you would need.

Bringing kids home is hard. Heck, bringing an infant home that you birthed is hard, but bringing home kids that have been in hard places is super hard. Adoption is hard. These are just four things that I think are super important in those first few months that you bring your child home. Trust your gut, and follow it. Pray a lot. Also, know that this is a season.  If your routine is jacked up for half a year, it’s okay. It’s worth it for your child. They need you so much right now, even if they act like they don’t!

*I know that just as there are special cases where some kids don’t reach milestones ever in their lives for physical or mental reasons, some kids adopted from hard places don’t meet all these milestones either – but I’m speaking generally here, and most will.
This article was originally posted on jamieivey.com on September 4, 2013."

It's time for a new normal.

Another Update

Once again, we seem to be on track for an "easy" approval.

Do you hear that laughing, or is it just in my head?

I came darn close to losing it when I received an email (on my 40th birthday, btw)
saying we would get another email "next week" in place of the approval I anticipated . . .
but Eric talked me down,
after I typed up a response voicing my dismay at their continued delaying of our son's approval,
which I did not send,
by reminding me of the wording of their message:

Dear Ms. Edmunds,

We are working diligently to finalize the adjudication of your current I-600 petition.  You should receive by next week a notice of your I-600 approval.

Regards,
Adoption Team

I added the bold type, but see that wording?
Finally, they promised approval, not just another email.

Part of me is in "I will believe it when I see it" mode.
I am pleased, but I know better than to get thrilled YET.

******************************************

So here is something I've been mulling over --
a parent asked the question on Facebook:
"For those who have their kiddos home, what was your total wait time from beginning of home study to arriving home with your child?"

The responses, well, some of them, made me hypertensive.

18 months

21 months

26 months

22 months

16 months!!

Are you kidding me??

We are over 3 years, just from home study to homecoming,
and that does not include some of the other "prep" to adopt.

In the fall of 2010, we met Sister Carmelle
and that is when we were invited to travel to Haiti and meet the children who could be adopted.

We made our first trip to Fondwa the following February (2011),
and that is when we met our son and first fell in love with him.

We went home and immediately set to work, contacting our home study agency and gathering documents.
We filed our I-600A with the Department of Homeland Security (seeking to be labeled "qualified" to adopt), and had approval and an official, legal home study by August 23rd. All of our vital information and documents registered, including a very thorough financial expose of our family, were compiled into a dossier that traveled to the Haitian Consulate in Chicago for legalization before landing on our attorney's desk in Port-au-Prince on October 21, 2011.

This is where we hit our first major speed bump.

While the dossier arrived in Haiti in October 2011,
it remained with our lawyer until September 14, 2012,
when he FINALLY submitted the documents to IBESR (the Haitian equivalent of social services).

11 months lost

We visited our boys . . .
oh, if you haven't read far enough back on this blog, you may not realize that we were originally adopting two beautiful sons from Fondwa.
It's a very long story, and my intention is not to recount our entire timeline here,
but I'll just say that A LOT happened during those 11 months.

Anyway,
our timeline sucks compared to those mentioned above.

From home study completion to homecoming, we = 33 months,
or, as normal folk would say, 2 years and 9 months.
Since we decided to adopt: 3 years and 6 months.
(The ticker at the top of the blog is from the day we were given permission to be Dimitry's forever family.)

I suppose what matters is that we continue to believe that God called us to adopt from Haiti,
and the connection we have to Dimitry is blessed.
He is our son and we are his family.

God willing,
this will be the final month of our separation.

I've already played through the possible dates multiple times . . .
If we receive official approval on Monday,
it is plausible that we could be notified of his visa appointment date by the end of the week,
however,
should they wait until the middle of the week,
we may not know when we'll be reunited with this beautiful child until the following week.

*Heavy Sigh*

It is coming, though.

We've come a long way . . .
Now we just need to get our baby home.


It's been a very, very long time coming.
Too long without a family.
Too long waiting.

I miss him so much.
I just hope that he has some idea of how much he is loved and wanted.

I pray that his heart is prepared for the changes that lie ahead.

AND . . . 
it's here.

Crank it out baby!!!